gekkeiju23

my mom and sister are coming.
they currently reside in Whales with mom's internet husband and his children.

i'm not sure how to feel about this.
mom and i have much bad blood between us.
i know it does me no good to harbor ill will, and i thought i had come to terms with a lot of the negativity....
maybe i was just able to fool myself.
i'm talented like that.
i especially hate that i can't tell her that she ruined me, destroyed me, taught me how to hate myself, how only through a man's love am i worthy, that by wanting a better life i must think i'm better than her.
i take little pleasure in saying that i am.

all of these lessons are sheep in wolf's clothing- if you know how to manipulate bad into good than they are the greatest things.
i try.

she's apologized, but always with a reason or excuse.
"i'm sorry, but..."


what irks me most is that i don't know what i want from her.
i don't know what can happen.
we've reached a stalemate.


i know she thinks that i should be grateful that she was even around-sometimes.
i know she thinks that she did her best.
she says she loves me.
i know she thinks she does.

too little, too late, i think.

truth is, that woman has never done anything that she didn't want to.
nothing that was in anybody's best interests but her's.

is it wrong not to know if you love your own mother?