i had a rather disturbing dream last night.
in this dream my brother died-
and the realization that this occurence would in some ways devastate me was an eye-opener.
my brother out-dates me by a mere 10 months-in some ways we are closer than twins.
we went through our sad excuse for an up-bringing as close as 2 people could be.
when there was no one and nothing else, we had each other.
the defensiveness and loyalty was more my department than his.
our step-father honed in on John, determined to make his life particularly miserable, to teach him some "lesson", to make him a man. John bore the brunt of much of the wrath, so i in turn started taking the blame for more and more to deflect from my brother.
then he began out-and-out blaming me for things because he knew i would accept it. my mother, who always favored John, took out her frustrations with my step-dad's treatment on me.
life was no picnic.
finally, after years of this, she divorced step-dad.
things were equally ridiculous in biological dad's camp. he and his new whore had developed a meth addiction, and in the summer of 1993 it all came to a boiling point and erupted. when things finally settled, bio-dad had decided that my brother should stay with him and i should go back home, never allowed in his house again. i was 12, John was 13.
the next 5 years were hell for us both- my mother needing a babysitter/ bodyguard/ therapist for both her and my 6 year old sister.
John had to try and fit into bio-dad's new instant family, new school, new town-all the while trying to stay below the radar of the druggies bio-dad and step-slut had become. niether of us will ever know the full extent of what the other experienced. what i resent is that he always had the comfort of my mother to return to.
i never had anywhere else to go, really.
John now lives in Santa Barbara. He's 23-he works like a mule, but has no ambition, no drive to succeed, really. i worry about him, about what he's going to do when all his college buddies graduate and are ready to move onto careers. what happens then?
we talk a lot on the phone-
he tells me he's proud of me, and that he loves me.
i always thought i was tougher-
but the dream showed me that maybe i'm not as tough as i want to believe.
that scares me.
babble-babble-
diarrhea of the mouth-etc.
i need Denny's.
and of course-
HS 
i like the pensive and thoughtful "i'm an actor in a black turtleneck" look-
in this dream my brother died-
and the realization that this occurence would in some ways devastate me was an eye-opener.
my brother out-dates me by a mere 10 months-in some ways we are closer than twins.
we went through our sad excuse for an up-bringing as close as 2 people could be.
when there was no one and nothing else, we had each other.
the defensiveness and loyalty was more my department than his.
our step-father honed in on John, determined to make his life particularly miserable, to teach him some "lesson", to make him a man. John bore the brunt of much of the wrath, so i in turn started taking the blame for more and more to deflect from my brother.
then he began out-and-out blaming me for things because he knew i would accept it. my mother, who always favored John, took out her frustrations with my step-dad's treatment on me.
life was no picnic.
finally, after years of this, she divorced step-dad.
things were equally ridiculous in biological dad's camp. he and his new whore had developed a meth addiction, and in the summer of 1993 it all came to a boiling point and erupted. when things finally settled, bio-dad had decided that my brother should stay with him and i should go back home, never allowed in his house again. i was 12, John was 13.
the next 5 years were hell for us both- my mother needing a babysitter/ bodyguard/ therapist for both her and my 6 year old sister.
John had to try and fit into bio-dad's new instant family, new school, new town-all the while trying to stay below the radar of the druggies bio-dad and step-slut had become. niether of us will ever know the full extent of what the other experienced. what i resent is that he always had the comfort of my mother to return to.
i never had anywhere else to go, really.
John now lives in Santa Barbara. He's 23-he works like a mule, but has no ambition, no drive to succeed, really. i worry about him, about what he's going to do when all his college buddies graduate and are ready to move onto careers. what happens then?
we talk a lot on the phone-
he tells me he's proud of me, and that he loves me.
i always thought i was tougher-
but the dream showed me that maybe i'm not as tough as i want to believe.
that scares me.
babble-babble-
diarrhea of the mouth-etc.
i need Denny's.
and of course-
HS
i like the pensive and thoughtful "i'm an actor in a black turtleneck" look-
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