geekpat

It feels like it's been a hard week. Seeing my best friend off at the airport on Saturday night was hard (as an aside, airports are such strange and affecting and depressing and poignant places late at night. I wanna write some more about that maybe later. I kinda wish I had have taken photos, even though airport photography has been done to death. At least that means I'm not the only one so affected by airports late at night). I was pretty sooky most of Saturday, but still couldn't have a good, solid, cathartic cry. Seemed that I had a lump in my throat and moped around all weekend. 2 years until she comes back.

My mood has been a mess, and work's been hard this week. Hard to sit there and try to be all normal and functioning and stuff. I get home and kinda curl up in a ball and have been reclusive and probably quite self-obsessed (hey, just like this blog). My gf has been helpful and supportive (not that i've been apprecitive enough 'cause I'm such a grumpy old curmudgeon), but there's only so much someone can (and should) do for you when you're all fucked up. Too easy to get reliant/dependant on someone. Support/help is one thing, but getting the 'I can't cope by myself, I need someone around' feeling is pretty bad. I'm so used to trying to get through life by myself, it's hard to rely on someone, and it feels scary sometimes to admit that I even need people. I guess if anything I tend to push people away, so the last thing I think I want to feel is dependant, but there's still that lure anyway. Ah, whatever. I don't know what I'm saying.

I'm back to not sleeping 'cause I'm no longer on meds which knock me out at night. I didn't miss you insomnia. Great.

Xmas coming up, which is always a depressing time for me... Gotta work out what to do... Not that I really do anything anyway.

Jeez, I'm such a grumpy fuck. Don't feel bad if you wanna completely ignore my blogs from now on, and just put me in the 'whiny bitch' pidgeonhole. I get tired of myself sometimes. Anyway... What else have I got to complain about? Hmmm... that could be it. Oh wait, I broke my showerhead on Monday night, so now I just get one big stream of water coming out of the wall until I get it fixed. Hmmm.