geekpat

Sorry, this is a shit mood blog, or perhaps just an honest one. I don't know.

I can't stop feeling sad. I'm tired of pretending I'm okay (on the few occasions I actually make the effort to pretend to the few people around me that I'm okay). I'm tired of waiting for my psych to wean me off my current meds and get me onto new ones (and who knows if they'll even work? It takes months to find out, and months right now is a long fucking time. Too long). I'm tired of resisting the urge to cut myself, even though I've never really been a cutter. I just don't know what else to do, but I feel like I have to do something, and cutting my arm hurts just enough to be real or an escape or whatever it is that compels me to do it. I'm tired of sitting at work trying so hard not to break down or leave or tell everyone to just fuck right off. I'm tired of every single day. I'm tired of not being able to cry even though I feel like I desperately need to. I'm tired of not wanting sex anymore, of not even feeling the remotest bit sexual. I'm tired of how claustrophobic life feels, and how it just doesn't stop. I'm tired of panic attacks. I'm tired of taking xanax. I'm tired of not knowing how I'm going to get though each day, or wondering why I even should try. I'm tired of facing a completely hopeless future. It's all too much. This is so hard. How do I get through each instant when I feel like this?

Whatever. Writing this is pointless. I thought it might help.