My boss is away all this week, so I think I'll probably get lots of blogging done at work while I'm sitting here not doing much else. I don't even have to make it look like I'm busy. But still, I can only read so many video game reviews and news feeds before going a little bit nuts.

I think today I'll write a bit about my anxiety issues (and honestly, I don't know how interesting this will be to read, so don't feel bad if you just wanna skip this one. Getting this out might be more cathartic than interesting). This is a topic which has been taking up more and more of my thought processes over the last few months. I don't really know what's changed, I don't know what's causing it, but things I could do even just a couple of months ago without a second thought I now either can't do, have to seriously push myself to do, or can only do after I've had xanax. It really sucks because it feels like life has just gotten so much harder. It feels like day to day living is such a struggle now. It's seriously wearing me out, and I don't know what to do to make things better again. I'm becoming so withdrawn and isolated and scared, and I know this is so shitty for the few people who stick around and do care about me.

But okay, having said all that, I guess a few things are happening, but as big as they are, they don't feel like the cause of my anxiety, but more on that in a bit. Anyway, here's what is going on:

1) My housemate, who is also my best friend, is moving to Macau on the 1st of December, where she'll be living and working for the next 2 years. This means that, as I have a very small number of friends (both real life and online), my friend base takes a big hit. I'll probably be even more sedentary and less social than ever, which kinda sucks because I would actually like to have a few more friends. I think I make a good friend, but I'm just shy and not very good socially sometimes (I'm even scared and shy making friends online). I'm kinda worried what I'll do without my best friend.

2) As a direct result of my housemate moving, I'll be moving. Admittedly, I have been pretty freaked about this (so a possible cause of underlying anxiety) as I didn't think I'd find somewhere to live in time and had absolutely no idea what I'd do. In the last couple of days though I found a sharehouse to move into. For those of you who know Sydney, I'll be moving to Glebe, which is nice and close to the city. Still, there'll be 3 other people in the house (and 1 dog), and who knows how it's gonna work out. On the one hand I'm excited at the possibility of adopting some new friends if it all goes well. On the other, it's a whole new situation, and I'm kinda scared, and it may go horribly wrong. And then there's the whole packing, moving, unpacking thing. Great.

3) I've become more and more freaked out with the thought of public transport. This one's a killer, because it's something I have to face every day. Moving nearer the city is going to be a big help 'cause I can walk to/from work if I have to (even though it'll take an hour). But until then, every day I'm having to face something which is scaring the shit out of me and I don't know how to deal with. Sitting at work, knowing I'll have to somehow get home feels like a time bomb, it just kills me sometimes.

4) I've started seeing a psych recently, and she's started me changing my medication, which is good, because I don't like the meds I'm on, nor do I think they're working (obviously). This could be affecting my anxiety levels on a purely chemical basis.

And you know, looking at all those things, I feel like smacking my forehead and saying duh, it's no wonder I'm anxious! There's so many things changing all at once, all these things I have no control over, and I'm caught up in it all like a ship in a storm. And rationally I can say that yup, all this stuff is the cause of my anxiety, I deal with those, and my anxiety and fears will lessen, and life will become managable again.

But my emotions aren't so sure. None of that *feels* like the cause. I still think the real problem is it's me being weak and giving into my fears. I have an anxiety attack over something (let's say getting on a bus or riding my motorbike), and rather than go back and face it (i.e. catch another bus or get back on my bike), I give in (and catch a cab instead or leave my bike in the garage and just not ride it anymore), which means I've reinforced to myself that yes, that thing is scary and I should avoid it from now on. It's fucked, because rationally I know what I'm doing, I know I'm reinforcing a vicious circle and that there *is* a way out if I'm just a bit brave, but I still can't stop doing it. I keep making these circles and can't get out of them. It's wearing me out.

Seriously, if anyone's got some second-hand brains lying around, get in contact. I'd gladly swap mine for something else. Human, monkey, doesn't matter.