geekgoddess

I like to think i'm a pretty open minded gal, but lately it seems like the walls of my mind are closing in on me. This battle of my mind is driving me crazy. I want to be the laid back wife, but each time i think i'm ready to try something new or maybe something from before i met my husband, i get hit with these HUGE waves of insecurity, worthlessness. Its like ever since i had my son a different person started to emurge from hiding, one i thought i had long ago burried. And i dont think i really like this person very much. I dont understand why i'm this insecure. Why i doubt my husbands words of faith in me. Its like before i met him and we had our beautiful baby boy i was confident and felt like i was on top of the world. I felt alive i felt sexy(maybe it was the drugs i dont know). Maybe its the change from having someone who adores you and worships your feet and you hardly ever fight with. to someone who loves you but does not worship the ground you walk on, who you DO fight with. I guess its hard for me to readjust to being with a guy again. After being with my ex/girlfriend so long. i got used to the ways of women. They can read your mind, know how to make you feel better, be sensitive and loving when you need it and strong and protect when you need that. I'm not saying i'm not happy with my husband, far from it. I love him and wouldn't trade this family of mine for the world. I dont really know where i'm going with this...i just feel so empty..so alone...and him being far away right now in the army is not helping. I miss my swagger, i miss my confidence, i miss feeling like no one could put me down, miss feeling like no matter what anyone said it didnt matter because i knew who i was and i was happy with myself. Now all i see are all my faults, all my problems. i dont feel sexy, i dont feel like i own the world. I'm just another girl in a mass of billions who has nothing special to offer the world. Let alone something special to keep my husband happy. I know he says he would never leave, but who can honestly say that? I've heard before and been dumped. I've said it before and then left people. Its life....maybe thats my problem....I'm not high anymore so i now i have to deal with reality and it just knocked me over and sucked my breath out....i feel so lost....