gardiac

since i have nothing to update with i will leave you a story. the date on this printed copy i have is november 12, 1995. oddly the paper hasnt crumbled to dust in the past decade, under a pile of crap in a box in my closet. this was handed to me one day at work, back when minimum wage was $4 an hour, in my senior year at highschool. i did not write this, and have no idea who did! this is a photocopy of a photocopy at the very least. here goes :

i like monkeys.

the pet store was selling them for 5 cents a piece. i thought that odd since they were normally a couple thousand dollars. i decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth. i bought 200. i like monkeys.

i took the 200 monkeys home. i have a big car. i let one drive. his name was sigmund. he was retarded. in fact, none of them were really bright. they kept punching themselves in the genitals. i laughed. they punched me in the genitals. i stopped laughing.

i herded them into my room. i have a big room. they didn't adapt very well to their new environment. they would screech, hurl themselves off the couch at high speeds and slam themselves into the wall. although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.

two hours later i found out why the monkeys were so cheap : they all died. no apparent reason. they all just sorta dropped dead. kinda like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. damn cheap monkeys.

i didn't know what to do. there were two hundred dead monkeys lying all over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. it looked like i had 200 throw rugs.

i tried to flush one down the toilet. it didn't work. it got stuck. then i had one dead, wet monkey, and 199 dead, dry monkeys.

i tried pretending they were just stuffed animals. that worked for a while, that is until they began to decompose. it started to smell really bad.

i had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and i didn't want to call the plumber. i was embarassed.

i tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. unfortunately, there was only room for two monkeys at a time so i had to change them every 30 seconds. i also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't go bad.

i tried burning them. little did i know my bed was flammable. i had to extinguish the fire.

then i had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my burnt bed. the odor was not improving.

i became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the bathroom. i severly beat one of my monkeys. i felt better.

i tried throwing them away but the garbage man said that the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates. i told him i had a wet one. he couldn't take that either. i didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.

i finally arrived at a solution. i gave them out as christmas gifts. my friends didn't know quite what to say. they pretended that they liked them, but i knew they were lying. ingrates. so i punched them in the genitals.

i like monkeys.