In this room I can or have done all I will. Aside from a painful and unremarkable juvenalia this room, along with a correspondent above my father's garage, becomes mine. My trophies are interred here forgetting their names along with the remnants of other ambitions: boxes of stereos long since tossed, a rowing machine from the Middle Dinkins Era, a palm tree I think has been misplaced as it isn't dead, frame packs, bocce responsibilites, disappointed luggage. Nothing knows itself here. Nothing here remmebers its own name. As such I can relax. I can be an unclaimed trophy for a moment.
I want a smoke. The windows inn this corner of the basement are nailed shut (reasonably enough) and while searching for one that opens I find a cat hoping to be let in. Then these steps: goto the back door. uncatch trip lock. open door halfway through shuddering protestation. consider aunt asleep in living room. consider girlfriend asleep upstairs. consider mother, her husband, his daughter, aunt's golden retreiver all asleep. remember the need for footwear. find old boots. return to back door and finish opening. THe air outside indifferent but gracciously cold. make a noise or two for cat. let it in the house when it srrives. light cig and smoke half before headrush makes me squat. small revelation.
As follows: I have left too much behind. Touchstones have become moorings have become cement galoshes. whatever waits for me in other's homes has been fragmenting me for too long. it will either go to california or become someone else's. i can no longer indulge these p.o.w.s their claims. fuck em.
stand up anticipating lightheadedness and am not disappointed. a plumb cold sweat and sinks down and smothers me. inside. the cat is waiting. can't assist cat - need cold drink. grab cranberry juice from fridge and ditch shoes on the way back to the trophy room. one sip of juice and it shows how it could ehlp under normal circumstancces. crumple to ccarpet and consider passing out. head swims and body drifts. my eyes are closed but i sense a spectator. open eyes. there's a cat sniffing my lips. i don't move. it decides i am dying or dangerous and slips away. the moldy carpet takes me. when i can move again i sit up and accept verdict of former allies. my time at The Hague is over. I am ordered not to make any reparations beyond what I can in the next few days. I am sentenced to grow up.
I want a smoke. The windows inn this corner of the basement are nailed shut (reasonably enough) and while searching for one that opens I find a cat hoping to be let in. Then these steps: goto the back door. uncatch trip lock. open door halfway through shuddering protestation. consider aunt asleep in living room. consider girlfriend asleep upstairs. consider mother, her husband, his daughter, aunt's golden retreiver all asleep. remember the need for footwear. find old boots. return to back door and finish opening. THe air outside indifferent but gracciously cold. make a noise or two for cat. let it in the house when it srrives. light cig and smoke half before headrush makes me squat. small revelation.
As follows: I have left too much behind. Touchstones have become moorings have become cement galoshes. whatever waits for me in other's homes has been fragmenting me for too long. it will either go to california or become someone else's. i can no longer indulge these p.o.w.s their claims. fuck em.
stand up anticipating lightheadedness and am not disappointed. a plumb cold sweat and sinks down and smothers me. inside. the cat is waiting. can't assist cat - need cold drink. grab cranberry juice from fridge and ditch shoes on the way back to the trophy room. one sip of juice and it shows how it could ehlp under normal circumstancces. crumple to ccarpet and consider passing out. head swims and body drifts. my eyes are closed but i sense a spectator. open eyes. there's a cat sniffing my lips. i don't move. it decides i am dying or dangerous and slips away. the moldy carpet takes me. when i can move again i sit up and accept verdict of former allies. my time at The Hague is over. I am ordered not to make any reparations beyond what I can in the next few days. I am sentenced to grow up.