gangstaswan

I can't sleep. You want happy stuff, go to the last entry.

I can't stop thinking of RS. Somehow I just thought the sideboard would help bring us together. How silly, how stupid, how foolish. But the thing is I love him. The love finally quieted down a bit when Date No. 1 showed me there are other cute, sweet guys in this world, but it's just not the same.

Maybe it's the history I miss. Maybe it's being a part of someone else's interesting life. Maybe it's that he matched me in so many areas (intelligence, cuteness, family background). Maybe it's because he was the first person to actually treat me like the princess I am.

I feel so guilty. When Date No. 1 is around I'm happy, so happy I forget about RS. But when I think about RS I feel bad for Date No. 1 (the other dates are great but they don't seem as invested? I don't know how to describe it). It's like damned no matter what choice I make.

I know I love RS, but I don't know if it's enough to commit to him fully. I don't understand why I can't do this. It seems to easy for everyone else, but then I get cold feet. I mean I can't stand the thought of being constricted. The second I feel trapped, I panic.

I think that's what happened before. I felt trapped in my perceived personality of the good girl who is always there to help (It's why I snapped and went out drinking which led to events causing RS to leave). I hate this feeling. I hate this longing for something I can't have. I try to live my life so I don't desire things because there is no guarantee that you'll ever get those things.

This is one time I tried my best to keep the thing I had and it still wasn't enough. I was completely honest with RS from the beginning. I never once lied to him. But it still wasn't enough. Why can't being honest with him and myself make everything OK? What magic sentence can I say to make things go back to how they were? This is just fucking frustrated.

At least I had stopped crying for almost two weeks.

I just miss him.