gambit0402

For today's post I'd like to present:

The Divine Comedy: Inferno
(In Five Minutes or Less)

(Dante meets Virgil and they go to hell – literally.)

DANTE: Virgil, how are you?.

VIRGIL: I'm in hell. How do you think I am?

[Vestibule of Hell]

VIRGIL: This is the vestibule of hell.

DANTE: I figured there'd be a coat rack or a bench.

VIRGIL: Here the souls of the uncommitted are tormented by insects and chase a black banner around for all of eternity.

DANTE: I think there’s a song in there somewhere.

[First Circle of Hell]

VIRGIL: This is the First Circle of Hell. I live here.

DANTE: I like what you've done with the place.

VIRGIL: All the philosophers and poets live here. The Second Circle is the start of Hell proper.

DANTE: So the poets are in “casual Hell”?

[Second Circle of Hell]

MINOS: Welcome to hell. What was your sin?

RECENTLY ARRIVED SOUL: Hell? God damn it!

MINOS: Blasphemer. Circle Seven. Next!

VIRGIL: Here Minos decides what circle each soul should go based on his or her sin.

DANTE: Judge a man by his questions rather than by his answers.

MINOS: Poet. First Circle.

DANTE: I’m just visiting.

MINOS: That’s what Virgil said. Next!

[Third Circle of Hell]

(Dante sees Ciacco, who is from his home town.)

DANTE: Ciacco, what's happening? CIACCO: I'm in hell. You're in hell. All of Florence is going to hell.

DANTE: Well, ok then.

[Fourth Circle of Hell]

VIRGIL: This is the Fourth Cycle, where the Hoarders and the Wasters are condemned to hurl boulders back and forth at one another.

DANTE: I guess that's one way to get your rocks off.

[Fifth Circle of Hell]

(Another former resident of Florence, Filippo attacks Dante.)

DANTE: Hey! What gives?!

FILIPPO: I'm one of the Wrathful. We fight each other here.

DANTE: Apparently. Next!

[Sixth Circle of Hell]

VIRGIL: The Sixth Circle is the realm of the Violent. (A man enters and strikes Dante.)

DANTE: So I gathered.

[Seventh Circle of Hell]

(They meet Capaneus.)

DANTE: Aren't you Capaneus, the famous blasphemer?

CAPANEUS: Bet your god damn ass I am!

[Eighth Circle of Hell]

VIRGIL: This is the Eighth Circle. It’s full of chasms. Here in the first chasm souls are continually whipped. Here in the second the Flatterers live in a sea of excrement. Watch where you step…

DANTE: Aw, crap.

FLATTERER: You look great!

VIRGIL: We reserve the third chasm for former Popes. We hang them upside down and burn their feet.

DANTE: Sounds appropriate.

VIRGIL: We thought of having them listen to their own sermons, but that seemed too cruel.

DANTE: What's in the fourth chasm?

VIRGIL: People with their heads on backwards.

DANTE: Cool.

VIRGIL: Here in the fifth chasm people are burned alive.

DANTE: Nice.

VIRGIL: In the sixth chasm is Caiaphas. Everyone steps on him to pass. Go ahead.

CAIAPHAS: Ouch. At least you aren't wearing heels.

VIRGIL: In the seventh columns thieves have their hands cut off and here in the eighth people just burn in flames.

DANTE: That seems unoriginal

VIRGIL: We were running out of ideas. We have a couple of more chasms where people are going through eternal terrible suffering, excruciating pain…blah, blah, blah…

[Ninth Circle of Hell]

VIRGIL: In the Ninth Circle sinners are frozen in ice. The worse the sinner, the higher the ice.

DANTE: You know what this means?

VIRGIL: What?

DANTE: Hell really has frozen over.

VIRGIL: Well that's the tour. We know you have a lot of choices for pain and suffering and we thank you for choosing Hell for all of your damnation needs.