gallas13

satan and associates
attn: customer service
3rd level suite 52A
1 hell 666

to whom it may concern:

some time ago my client, tommy, contacted your president and chief executive officer regarding an in-kind swap involving his soul and one local female bartender. although my client agreed to terms and was certain that the business transaction was to be consumated, your party has yet to fulfill its contractual obligations. we are contacting you because there seems to have been a mix up. several older (and admittedly wealthy) homosexual males and some females, who were frankly annoying and rather homely, have availed themselves to tommy, but the particular woman that was described in the terms of the agreement, sadly, has not.

while we understand that your corporation is a large one and that processing errors do occur from time-to-time, we feel that the gravity of this transaction - as well as your party's blatant unresponsiveness - warrants immediate attention. our office has made several calls to satan himself, none of which have been returned. we are contacting you as last resort. should you not respond to this letter within 10 business days of postmark with either said bartender or sufficient reason for not fulfilling your contractual obligations, we will be forced to nullify the terms of the agreement. in addition, we will also be notifying the better business bureau, the fox five problem solvers, and states attorney general (as appropriate) of your fraudulent business practices.

sincerely,
jackie childs, esq.