"But I threw you the obvious just to see
If there's more behind the eyes of a fallen angel
Eyes of a tragedy"

-from 3 Libras by A Perfect Circle

I had my chance, years ago, to know the girl of my dreams.

She fell victim to the demons in my own head, though. I had only though of her as the girl of my dreams for purely superficial reasons. We had only met a few years previously at the beginning of our sixth grade year in 1988. She was beautiful then, and that, in my diseased mind, meant that she was above me. Well above me. I struggled with self esteem issues, anxiety, and depression. I knew that I wasn't worthy of her attention or friendship, let alone any kind of real love. I had built her up to be, in the lost twists and turns and dead-end corners of my mind, someone that she wasn't. I didn't know it at the time, of course. But she, one day before 9th grade English class, threw me the obvious and tapped on my shoulder (she sat right behind me) and I turned to face her.

"Do you know how to play 'Return to Serenity'?" she asked. I was thumbing through the latest issue of Guitar World at the time, so she made the (correct) assumption that I played guitar.

I had actually never even heard the song. I admitted that to her. She just said, "oh..." and bit her bottom lip (yes, really... just like some cheesy sitcom, I swear to whatever deity you dig... it's an image burned into my brain) then she looked me in the eye and said, "...that song has always reminded me of you." She reached into her bookbag and handed me a mixtape. "It's on here. First song on the second side."

I took the tape and told her I'd listen to it over the weekend. Then class started and by the time it ended she had her things gathered and was out the door before I could say anything more to her. Not that I would, mind you. Too shy and hard on myself to believe this exchange was anything more than a clinical talk about music. I listened to that tape on an endless repeat until the following Monday. Strange, that I can't remember a single song on it other than the one she had related to me, I certainly listened enough to have burned the whole thing into my brain.

I handed her the tape before English that Monday. "I don't know how to play that," I said, "but it's a cool song." She looked disappointed, but took the tape back and told me once again how it just always reminded her of me. I smiled and said that maybe I'd learn it someday. Then class started.

What kind of high-functioning moron was I? How did I not see it then... how clearly she had laid it all out in front of me? I was a slave to this incredibly damaged version of who I viewed myself to be to see past the little walls and fences that I was building up, patchwork, around me. She had a boyfriend then...she had had him since seventh grade, and later went on to marry him. I found out later that he had cheated on her relentlessly throughout high school and it only got worse after marriage. I didn't see it as anything more than weird small-talk. I have looked back on that weird exchange multiple times over the years and wondered if it was in some way her own cry for help? That song reminded her of me...how did I not see that that meant that I was ever on her mind, and probably in a good way?

I went on about my life...she went on about hers.

Cut to today: We both took some twisted paths through life. We suffered a lot of heartache and endured some epic battles with our own demons. She found her own self worth and got a divorce. I learned to cast out most of the self doubt and demons that kept me from being close to anyone in my youth and much of young adulthood.

Looking back on that mixtape, we both agree that that wasn't our time...for whatever reason, the universe wouldn't allow it and we weren't ready...but it laid the groundwork for who we are now and where we are in this life today...

Together.

Finally.

"No time for anger
No time for despair
Won't you come with me
There's room for us there"

-from Return to Serenity by Testament