galaxies

I sit here, 60 and some change miles from home, in the living quarters of some friends of mine at Morehead State College. I am working on a drunk, because I fell that now, more than most nights, I might very well deserve this.

Originally, the plan was as follows. We show up. watch the burlesque dance recital of one of my dear friends here, and then go back to the casa to have some beer and/or liquor and enjoy ourselves.

Of course, that's the plan, and plans never survive. NEVER.

We're late for the recital by about 15 minutes, so, we (my friends Rob and CJ) go to the casa. Once there, Rob decides the burden of guilt is too much, and fesses up.

Tabbatha caught him kinda drunk, and decided to have her way with him. Whether this is true or not, I've no clue, nor do I much care. I knew there was going to be problems, I fucking KNEW it, but godamnit.

I told Rob that it was OK. She's not wearing my ring (class or engagement), we're not exclusive, we're not steady. We're friends with benefits... or something of the nature. I knew she was going to take lovers here in Morehead, I knew it like the mountains know the rain. I didn't need to hear it though.

So basically, I lied to Rob. I am upset, but honestly, not at him. I don't know that I'm even upset at her. I know I'm upset with myself.

I cried. godamnit, I cried. I hate crying.

I've allowed myself to be brought to tears by yet another woman in one year, and I wished to Christ I knew what the fuck it was I was doing so godamned wrong. It's gotta be me, I mean, I told Melissa how I felt and she took off. I wasn't good enough to hold onto Tabbatha. It's something I'm doing wrong, and I just wanna know what it is.

I hate crying, I hate crying so fucking much. I should be stronger than this, and I'm not.

Fuck this.

Fuck.

Fuck it all.