gahz

Couple of really interesting things happened over the last few days.

I haven't had any of my medication for depression since Thursday. So far I am actually doing alright. Last night I cried for the first time in a while and it felt good. I hated not caring and not feeling anything because of my meds.

What interestingly enough that came out of that was that I had a very long candid conversation with my ex's best friend. She has become one of my better friends over the last month and we talked about everything I have been feeling with my last relationship. Turns out, my ex has been not exactly been telling people the truth about our relationship and why we are not together. There was a long list of things that we talked about and my friend Joanna was stunned because she basically found out that Kelli, my ex, had been hiding over half of her life from her. Also my ex never ever told any of her friends just how much I was taking care of her and what all things I had done for her. Including one of the first times my ex tried to leave me I even pushed her car and helped her jump start it. Joanna also found out just exatcly how much money Kelli owed me. Now Joanna can see exactly why this has been so hard on me and how much of this was really my fault.

The fact of the matter is I was probably one of the best boyfriends for my ex that any guy could have been. All of my friends and my ex's friends have told me that. Yeah it is admirable that she wants to pay me back but I know that it is only because she wants to not feel guilty about owing me money.

I don't want her money, I don't want to be her friend, I just don't want to hurt any more.

I still love her, but deep down, I just want my fucking heart back.

I already gave her the last thing I can, which was to let her go.


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