gabber

So, i suppose...if anyone even checks my profile anymore that is, that this update is for you.

Life has been a fucking whirlwind of insanity lately. i can't remember my last update, but i ended up getting knocked about twice by my ex bf (we were still together) this summer. The wierd part was that it didn't crush me as much as i would have expected something as traumatizing as that would. I've come to the conclusion that my relationship with him was over long before it was actually done.

I had this crush on this boy for some time while i was still with my ex. We made out a bunch of times, but I tried really hard to not get too emotionally attached because...well, i was fucking engaged and owned a house with someone. Too little too late, i learned that shit doesnt matter and there was something about this boy that ijust couldnt shake. The thoughts of him nagged at me like a fucking sickness that i couldnt cure. It sounds negative, but it wasn't in the least... Anyway, the night the ex grabbed me for the last time, was the night it ended for good. I stayed at my friends house all weekend, and ended up spendng the night with the boy i had the crush on. We ended up having lusty animal sex for a whole night, waking up roommates and such, and generally causing a ruckus. It was wierd, because when we were just friends, hanging out and whatnot, we clicked so well. Now to our gleeful discovery, that sexual tension we had wasn't without some serious satisfaction.

I fell in love. Like, the kind of shit that hits you like a fucking freight train. It's hard to imagine if you've never felt it before, but it's amazing, invigorating and empowering. Like, it seems as if the thoughts, the feelings, everything was already there, but it just took both of us to allow it to happen and the fucking gates were open and there was no going back.

So it's been 5months of crazy love... and here i am.... at home from work, wretching with depression and anxiety, the only thing thats keeping me from losing it completley is that HE is coming here soon and his touch is going to melt that all away. I hate that this looms over me like a fucking cloud waiting to explode in a supreme thundershower of bullshit. Somedays i just can't deal... thats the fucking problem. I just can't fucking deal with the way things are in this world and the very core of my soul will not let me sell myself out to shit that i fucking hate. So i crash, i can uphold the facade of fake smiles and small talk for a short time. But i reach a point where i just can't keep myself from showing the true me....the person who wants to fucking snap when someone asks me if im enjoying the weather, or the one who wants to REALLY explain how i'm doing today... No One wants to hear it. i hate that they ask.

today, i have no tolerance for the world....and tonight i have to go to a dinner.