fyi

I've been thinking a lot lately on what it is I really need. The answer. I don't fucking know. Still thinking about it. On the other hand I've been having some amazing dreams that define insane. Because of this I'm going to pick drawing and hopefully painting back up. I miss it. I never really showed anything I ever did and probably for good reason. But know I feel complete. Completely alone. In ways I hate it and I know my depression is returning. I was free of it for 4 years while I was enlisted in the Navy. I was to stressed to think things through. That lead to my marriage. At age 22 I'm getting divorced from a 19 yr old. It makes me laugh to myself when I think about it. I let slip through my fingers a 7yr friendship which had a lot more potential. She got pregnant and her son is almost a year old. When she called me to tell me she was pregnant I quickly dismissed her and labeled her whore even though she said she was taken advantage of. Well she is off and on with him to this day. I don't think I have it hard at all. I can run, look in the mirror, I own a car that is under warranty. I have family. Just the only thing I really don't have are friends and that's not a big deal some times. But I know I create monsters. I think about things that hurt my very veins. I scare myself all the time. And I have nowhere to escape. So I'm going to write the shit down. I don't have fans so it will be relatively private. People may read it and that's good. Maybe for someone it'll be slightly interesting. Maybe I'll stop tomorrow and cut my face into pieces. Life is random as a mother fucker and I hope to beat it.