fuschicho

Why is life so cruel? or people?

See, I dont think (in this case) its intentional cruelty, so I cant hold any one person responsible, apart from, maybe myself, because surely if anyone is to blame its me.

Let me explain, I date a guy for around six months, and we broke up six months ago after he told me he was in love with me, which consequently scared himself so much he could hardly bare to see me. We stayed friends, and had a 'friends with favours' situation for a while, then I dated a guy, so obviously we stopped meeting. I've never stopped thinking about him, and I'm only just realising that I'm 100% not over him, and I doubt I ever will be. He was and is everything. He is the only guy I've met who I think is totally perfect, but he cant be mine.
I know he still likes me because we chat, flirt, hang out, and I know we both love the sex together. But for whatever reason, he doesn't actually want me.



On a side note, I have these crazy dreams, which have gotten worse and more frequently recently, they are based around troubling emotional/stressful situations, and I basically become trapped in a cycle of the same dream, interlinked by waking every hour or so during the night, and I have them most nights now, so I wake up feeling like I've had an epic gym session or something, though it also makes me hate trying to go to sleep.

So, I had three nights in a row of the same dream, all about this ex, and basically the dream was that I was back with him for good and I was introducing him to my mom, because we were serious, then I'd wake up, then it would repeat, over and over all night for three nights. Such a gorgeous dream just made me wake up feeling emotionally drained, our faces were so clear and happy, it terrified me, because I cant have that.

So, because I had been thinking about him so much, I chatted to him, and it was like no time had passed at all, so he came over, I made food, we watched a movie with my house mate and then went off for sexy time it was just like it used to be, it didn't matter we hadn't spoken in ages, or seen each other in months. Then he left, like he always did when we were 'friends with favours' and every time he has ever upped and left after a cool night, I expect it, I just hope he'l prove me wrong sometime.



I know I deserve this hurt because right now I'm asking for it, but I needed somewhere to vent, and given I don't know so many people where I live right now, its difficult to chat to someone who I know wont judge me in some way.

So, yeah, I'm not going to date for a while, cause it wouldn't be fair on the guy, now I know I'm so screwed over him. (oh and if anyone remembers, the guy I was chatting about in previous blogs, he hasn't spoken to me for five days, so I'm guessing he's a jerk, which is just as well, given I've realised this whole box of frogs was going on in my chest cavity)

Also my royal python still wont eat :/ I'm trying him again wednesday, its been three weeks now, he needs to stop sulking about the fact that he doesn't have a gf and start nomming so next year he's fat enough to get some sexy snake time with a pretty lady il find for him hehe

I know it isn't totally the best shoot ever, but I'm kind of wondering why my set hasn't got great feedback :/ its here
What sundays are made for...
But I'm not being corny or fake when I say I do truly appreciate every single person who has shown love for me already <3 <3 you guys are the reason I had the guts to come here in the first place!!

Though my next one is much better, and out on the 28th I'm definitely looking forward to showing you all that one

Much love SG people, and I sure hope most of you are having a better week so far than me!