Damn Damn updating. Sitting in the dark listening to Denali and writing random deep thoughts. Deeeeep. Why do I obsess over such things? Why do I feel it is my personal duty to discover the secret of the universe? All it does is isolate my more. I already decided over a year ago that feelings are trivial and not logical. Since then I have not had any true feelings for anyone. Seriously. Scary shit. I approach things logically and from a mystical perspective. What is the point? I am learning kung fu and doing intense physical conditioning so that I can wander the world searching for answers. This sounds ridiculous. My worst fear is that I never take the leap and leave behind everything (which is not much, I have purposely made sure of that). My second worst fear is that I find the answer. Seriously, I have some romantic vision of dying dramatically on some quest for true knowledge while being in obscene shape with all my knowledge. For a man who is trying to strip himself of self and everything, that is the most egotistical end ever. I spend so much time analyzing everything that perhaps I am not truly living? That is part of why I cut off emotions. Part of conditioning and part of not being able to logically analyze things when I am caught up in emotions. It is hard to make personal connections when you are unwilling to give even 1% of yourself to a person. I am the epitamy of closed off. I can barely write feelings down without feeling vulnerable. I can't even open up to myself. I have given every ounce of myself to the act of figuring out myself, and the ironic thing is I have emerged I gigantic knot. I do not know where I end and my philosophy begins. I need a cause to die for. Or a person. The romantic vision of a female who I have a two week long intense relationship before we both die in an apocalyptic situation, sacrificing ourselves (or just me) for the betterment of mankind. The fact that these are the things I want from life show that I am on a one way road to nowhere. Illusions of grandeure is an understatement. I think everyone feels at some point like changing the universe. I can't stop thinking about it. Heres the final ironic twist: If I spend all my energy in becoming the thing that can ultimately change the universe, what do I change the universe to if my emotions are dead and my personality revolves around an action and not a solution? Oh yeah. Game Over. Im in love with every single girl I meet.