Feeling grey obviously
or maybe a shadow of myself
so whatever im posting again in here but this is actually a post after my post above this one lol what the fuck ever, rite.
life isnt fair and we all know that. and when i feel all fucked in the brain i feel selfish and fuck i guess self riteous to say wah im so sad and my life sucks blah blah blah because it seems so insignificant. its hard to even justify going to the psych because its like, ok angie is going to talk <or attempt to> for 45 minutes about herself and everything about herself. i just think its sick and makes me feel like i think im better than other people or that my problems are worse. yes i have major problems, but i dont know, things are so f;ing spinning right now. it was the split second change. ya know? it just happened, i guess jekyll and hyde syndrome....i'm sick of always coming in at the end of the list, i am sick of trying to live up to this thing i could never be and if he wanted it why did he fucking persue me, why did he convince me to move across the country and then move back and everything else. why does someone take you from a good place and throw you in the dumpster of self hatred and bitterness for no reason. ive tried so hard, so fuckign hard for so long to do everything right, to do this wear this dye this pierce this move here move there loose weight <become bulimic> and its gotten me nowhere, and even when i was what <in my head> he wanted me to achieve, i wasnt that for him. and i never will be, is it a game. i'm fucking 25 i cant be 15 and i shouldnt be made to feel like i need to be. i cant help how i am, i am angie and why would you be here if you dont love angie. this makes no sense to everyone im sure so just skip this whole thing lol
im sad. im gonna cry. and im gonna sleep in my basement again because a bed is supposed to be filled with love and i cant sleep in a den of hate. i just cant do it anymore, its killing me inside, its been killing me for a long time.
~cheers