I have tried many times to tell this story to the National Enquirer, and have been stonewalled every time by their Nazi regime of fact checkers (Who are, by-the-way the best in the business.) who refused to publish the tale unless it involved our 'savior' being seen in a taco, burrito, or on the side of a barn. So I have decided to come to you, fair citizens of blog land to let the truth be known.
It was a typical L.A. day; the sun was shining, the birds were coughing in the smog and I was screaming at the little Mexican woman who was dragging what appeared to be a shopping cart full of dead cats across the intersection when I made the fatal error of tossing my cigarette out the window. (And I don't even smoke, which made the appearance of the smoke bizarre even unto a fantastically evolved mind such as mine and brings up the topic of evil cigarette Rebus Monkeys who pop smokes into the mouths of unsuspecting motorists when they speed through yellow lights..but I digress)
As the butt hit the pavement, showering sparks, I heard a voice yell from the next car over, which was a small brown Mazda, circa 1989 and was spewing noxious fumes at such a rate that I was sure it was soon to erupt as Vesuvius and destroy an unsuspecting ant-sized Pompeii.
"You know there are ashtrays for that, asshole!" came from the right.
I swung my head to the side with such force that my sunglasses flew off of my knoggin and landed in the seat beside me. What I saw next to me was what I assumed was a tree hugging hippie, and thus reacted in the same way that I would to every hippie, retorting with "Go suck a clover, cuntlick!"
It was at that point that something crazy happened, as the sun moved from above me in the sky to directly behind the head of the man I had yelled to. He got out of his car and came to my passenger side window, leaning in. (And, this meant in my mind that he was on my private property and I could stab him in the eye with the pen I had in the change holder...but I didn't)
"What did you call me, you goddamn pussy?" Jesus said.
"Hey, aren't you Jesus?" was my reply.
"What's it to you?" he asked.
"Well I was just wondering why the son of God is giving me shit when he could easily be out curing AIDS so that I can go bang whatever dirty skanks I want without having to sweat out a STD test every three months!" I yelled at him.
"HEY! I already died once for you people! That's it! Have YOU ever been nailed to anything? Huh? Yeah, thats what I thought! So don't give me any shit, or I'll show you a miracle of pummeling by shoving your sack down your throat!" Jesus yelled, spit in my eye and then kicked my tire and got back into his car and sped away.
Now, many people would think that this is a tragic story and I came out the loser, but I should assure you that you should think again, for the eye that Jesus spit into has to this day never had a cataract, and in fact once deflected a bullet. PROTECTING THE PRESIDENT! Yes, that's right, I now work for the SS and you can see me standing to the left rear of the president. I'm the one with only one lens in his sunglasses. If you think this story was stupid, or false, then have fun in hell, fucker, cause Jesus hates you.
It was a typical L.A. day; the sun was shining, the birds were coughing in the smog and I was screaming at the little Mexican woman who was dragging what appeared to be a shopping cart full of dead cats across the intersection when I made the fatal error of tossing my cigarette out the window. (And I don't even smoke, which made the appearance of the smoke bizarre even unto a fantastically evolved mind such as mine and brings up the topic of evil cigarette Rebus Monkeys who pop smokes into the mouths of unsuspecting motorists when they speed through yellow lights..but I digress)
As the butt hit the pavement, showering sparks, I heard a voice yell from the next car over, which was a small brown Mazda, circa 1989 and was spewing noxious fumes at such a rate that I was sure it was soon to erupt as Vesuvius and destroy an unsuspecting ant-sized Pompeii.
"You know there are ashtrays for that, asshole!" came from the right.
I swung my head to the side with such force that my sunglasses flew off of my knoggin and landed in the seat beside me. What I saw next to me was what I assumed was a tree hugging hippie, and thus reacted in the same way that I would to every hippie, retorting with "Go suck a clover, cuntlick!"
It was at that point that something crazy happened, as the sun moved from above me in the sky to directly behind the head of the man I had yelled to. He got out of his car and came to my passenger side window, leaning in. (And, this meant in my mind that he was on my private property and I could stab him in the eye with the pen I had in the change holder...but I didn't)
"What did you call me, you goddamn pussy?" Jesus said.
"Hey, aren't you Jesus?" was my reply.
"What's it to you?" he asked.
"Well I was just wondering why the son of God is giving me shit when he could easily be out curing AIDS so that I can go bang whatever dirty skanks I want without having to sweat out a STD test every three months!" I yelled at him.
"HEY! I already died once for you people! That's it! Have YOU ever been nailed to anything? Huh? Yeah, thats what I thought! So don't give me any shit, or I'll show you a miracle of pummeling by shoving your sack down your throat!" Jesus yelled, spit in my eye and then kicked my tire and got back into his car and sped away.
Now, many people would think that this is a tragic story and I came out the loser, but I should assure you that you should think again, for the eye that Jesus spit into has to this day never had a cataract, and in fact once deflected a bullet. PROTECTING THE PRESIDENT! Yes, that's right, I now work for the SS and you can see me standing to the left rear of the president. I'm the one with only one lens in his sunglasses. If you think this story was stupid, or false, then have fun in hell, fucker, cause Jesus hates you.
VIEW 7 of 7 COMMENTS
kennedy77:
ahh u need more friends!!!! 
frylock:
What are you, the friend police?