frixie

It's 4 in the morning and I can't get any sleep. There is a guy I knew in kindergarden through highschool that I used to really like through all those years. If everyone has a "the one who got a way," he'd be the one. I wrote about him to a girl friend of mine in different notes in highschool. You know how girls do. This girl ended up saving all my notes and to try to look cool to him she ended up showing him every single one. (That scandalicious C***, I still haven't forgiven her for that). I never told him how I felt and he was caught of gaurd. Really he was bombarded with all these notes I had written over time and meant to be private, at once. I believe he got the idea that I was insane obsessed with him because after that he stopped talking to me and avoided me altogether. 13 year friendship ended just like that. I never thought it would have any effect on me. Just another guy to get over, they come and go often. Problem is, I've been out of school 5 years now, I haven't seen him since, yet he's still haunting my dreams nearly everytime I go to sleep. I'm hanging out with friends and he pulls them or himself away from me. I get left standing alone. I try to convince him that I'm not obsessed, that we're friends, I'm a normal and really nice girl. He's rejectful and looks at me like I'm a freak. In real life he has a twin sister I am friends and still keep in touch with. I sent him a christmas card this year with hers. Nothing more than happy holidays/new year. I thought it would help, he'd at least say thank you and I'd be at peace but he said nothing and it might have ended up more damaging. I'm starting to give up on having him as a friend in waking life. That is difficult for me because I am a person that tries to hold onto friends, especially old ones, as long as I can. Though I can see this is mentally, borderline physically damaging. I can't get him out of my dreams! I always just dealt with it but it's been years and I'm starting to think I need therapy to get a good night's sleep. I'm hoping sharing my frustrations with all of you will help get me by till then.