free2b

aw fuck it. this emotional rollarcoaster shit has got to stop. I've played badly and can't just be okay with it. I've gotten myself into debt I don't want, and will have to work for the rest of my life to pay back, and this bothers me. It's all my responsibility now for everything in my life. It always has been. There are so many good things going on too, really, why do I focus on the bad? It won't make the bad go away, it just keeps me in this state of feeling stuck, and that's no good. So why can't I just focus on the good stuff and believe that things will even out, they always do. It's a catch 22 to think yourself stuck, it gives us the illusion that we are in control, when we feel out of control. It solves nothing, it's not action, it's not moving forward. DAMNIT all!! Then there's the If only...if only this...if only that...you know what?? I've completed that sentence lots of times. Good things have filled in the blanks, and still another one pops up. Silly human. Oh, I feel guilty for all of this, and yet I know that does me no good. I just want to feel okay with the way things are right now. I just want to feel okay that I procrastinate and that I'll deal with it to the best of my ability. I want to feel okay with the good and bad in my life. I want to stop feeling guilty for being in debt. I want to stop feeling guilty for doing exactly what it is I want to do. I don't want to beat myself up any longer for anything. I will take all the responsibility for all I have done and I will be okay with it. Fuck, a couple of years ago, I wasn't even functioning, and I felt 100 times worse. I have come so far. I am in a healthy relationship!! That within itself is a great thing! I'll be fine, I always have been.