Why do I continually keep myself from doing good things for myself? I am the only thing that gets in my way. I am so stubborn, and a bit insane;doing the same things over and over and expecting different results. It's like I'm the exception to all the rules, and only I can do it(it's a bit of an ego thing I think). I recognize it, yet continually do it. And then when I actually suceed, I feel guilty and I don't give myself any credit, like I had nothing to do with it, when it was me all along. It's like a twisted notion that I'm either not capable or I don't deserve it. And I know this is bull-shit. I guess I just want to do it perfectly all the time, everyday and never let myself down, ever. You know, that good stuff is only a breath away, only a single moment of action, a very small motion, that if I just would move, just a little bit, I could get there. And some days, even that single breath is just too much, and I don't know why. So the thoughts just pile up in my head and get in the way. I am so spoiled. I let myself get away with everything. And I still try to make it seem like I don't care when I do the most. Ohhhh... I must be going now. I'm up early
so I can try and finish some homework, and obviously doing a good job not doing it 
It's a journal damnit, journal, journal, journal, not a stinking blog.VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
Vinokourov team expelled from Tour de France
William Fotheringham
Wednesday June 28, 2006
Guardian
The sport's biggest drugs scandal since the Festina team were expelled from the 1998 Tour de France has taken another twist after the Astana team of the Kazakh star Alexandr Vinokourov were denied a place in this year's race due to their involvement in a major doping inquiry.
The Tour faces a legal wrangle that could last until the start in Strasbourg on Saturday or longer. Astana were excluded late on Monday night on the grounds that their presence would be damaging to the event's image. The team's management company, Active Bay, said it would appeal to the Court of Arbitration for Sport "in defence of the team's rights and its riders". Vinokourov, who has not been named in the inquiry, added: "We will use every means at our disposal to start the race." The court's hearing is scheduled for tomorrow, with a verdict likely on Friday morning.
Patrice Clerc, the head of the Tour's organising company ASO, said: "When the image of our event is damaged, we have the right to reject teams. We have done so. We do not want any more of that kind of cycling, those kinds of practices, those kinds of people. Enough is enough."
The Comunidad Valenciana squad were excluded on June 13. Leaks from the investigation alleged 15 of their riders were on a list of 58 professionals drawn up by the inquiry team.
Astana's exclusion came after the publication of documents said to come from the police inquiry, Operation Puerto, in the Spanish newspaper El Pas on Monday. The reports included a statement the team's former manager, Manolo Saiz, allegedly gave to the police confirming his connection with the doctor at the centre of the inquiry, Eufemiano Fuentes.
Saiz managed one of cycling's biggest teams for 18 years, and marched his riders off the 1998 Tour, saying he had "put his finger up the Tour's backside" in a reference to body searches carried out by gendarmes. A long-standing head of the body that represented cycling teams and a prime mover in the ProTour circuit, in early June he resigned his official functions, including the management of his team, but remained the majority shareholder in Active Bay. One of the team's riders, Angel Vicioso - also named in connection with Dr Fuentes - dedicated a stage win in the Tour of Switzerland to Saiz, saying: "He is working a lot behind the scenes to help the team keep afloat."
The Tour will miss Vinokourov, one of the favourites, who had found the team its sponsor Astana, a consortium of oil companies from his homeland. The team's original backer, Liberty, an American insurance company, withdrew after Saiz's arrest in late May.
The American Tyler Hamilton has become embroiled in the Puerto affair, denying allegations published in El Pas that he had paid Fuentes over 43,000 (29,700). Hamilton, currently serving a two-year ban for blood doping, stated: "I have not done what the article alleges."
According to the paper, the inquiry documents include a fax sent to Hamilton's wife billing him for 43,040, 35,000 (24,200) of which were consultation fees. The paper published what it claimed was Hamilton's medication schedule for 2003, including blood boosting with erythropoietin, blood transfusions, growth hormone, a hormone taken by menopausal women and anabolic steroids.
The CAS yesterday rejected an appeal by the Russian Olympic Committee to strip Hamilton of his time-trial gold medal from Athens 2004. An IOC doping test led to suspicions Hamilton had used a blood transfusion, but the American's back-up specimen was mistakenly frozen, leaving too few red blood cells to analyse. He was banned for a positive test after the Games.
take care.