so[ul] free
i am in love with myself.
is that not the most conceited thing EVER?!
i danced the night away with torquil.
earlier on, yesterday, i had sent an email to keith that i written awhile ago. An e-mail that had left me exhausted from forming ALL my emotions and thoughts into words.
the relief that i felt from writing that email is nothing compared to what i feel; knowing that he's read it.
and so i danced without inhibition. With torquil. Who is a great dancer. Or at least, a great partner for me. We dance well together. The exhibitionist came out to play. By the time daft punk's "one more time" came on, i was just letting the beat move me and had no thoughts. The only thought i can recall thinking is when the lyrics, "...music's got me feeling so free, we gonna celebrate..." pounded through my ears was: " i am so happy. " And i couldn't stop smiling. and everytime i looked at torq he was smiling at me. and it was great.
i feel so capable. After having not done any backtucks, flips, cartwheels and etc for so long... it feels great to know i still can.
nothing can break my stride right now. Every obstacle that should, have been used as a stepping stone, and everytime one presents itself, it just adds more confidence to my stride.
Torq spent the entire night apologizing for not visiting me in the hospital. This morning too. He vows to contine to ask for my forgiveness until it's given. It will not be given. I don't hold a grudge or anything.. it's simply that: I was bored, lonely, and trapped in a room that i didn't want to be in. For more than week. And according to torq, the reason he didn't visit me was becuse it never crossed his mind to do so. Despite thinking about me everyday
what an absurdly asshole thing to admit.
especially after admitting that i am his ONLY friend [in the province] at the moment.
and i don't give a shit if he THOUGHT of me. Does his thoughts somehow lessen the misery i felt? no.
that being said, he also asked me why i'm not attracted to him. 1) he scares me when he's angry. He gets off on my fear and gets off even more when i fight back. It's a lose/lose situation for me. 2) he's fucking ignorant. How can a boy so intelligent be so ...stupid? He couldn't tell the difference between a 10 gauge and a 14 gauge. And he thinks my interest in body modification is retarded. He is a boy that wears his Givenchy and Prada with pride. And although i enjoy the fact that he takes pride in how he looks, i am disgusted because he enjoys fitting into a category.
the problem with categories is that there are rules. There are things that are "cool" and "not cool." You HAVE to like certain things while hating others. And torq's stupidity hurts my head.
he constantly disses keith. Torq will never comprehend what i shared with keith. Because according to torq, keith is "substandard" and he thinks i'm stupid for having dated someone so beneath me. And explaining these things to torq is like explaining to a child the more important things in the world. The child merely wants what it's friends want/have. And my words go ignored or ridiculed.
As far as torq's concerened... the world is about making money, so he can buy beautiful women and nice cars. The buying of the nice cars is of course, to get even more beautiful women.
anyway, the rest of my night will go into my bmezine entries.. because things happened last night that i would prefer random voyeurs to not know about.
how does one explain the inexplicable to someone so ignorant?
i am in love with myself.
is that not the most conceited thing EVER?!
i danced the night away with torquil.
earlier on, yesterday, i had sent an email to keith that i written awhile ago. An e-mail that had left me exhausted from forming ALL my emotions and thoughts into words.
the relief that i felt from writing that email is nothing compared to what i feel; knowing that he's read it.
and so i danced without inhibition. With torquil. Who is a great dancer. Or at least, a great partner for me. We dance well together. The exhibitionist came out to play. By the time daft punk's "one more time" came on, i was just letting the beat move me and had no thoughts. The only thought i can recall thinking is when the lyrics, "...music's got me feeling so free, we gonna celebrate..." pounded through my ears was: " i am so happy. " And i couldn't stop smiling. and everytime i looked at torq he was smiling at me. and it was great.
i feel so capable. After having not done any backtucks, flips, cartwheels and etc for so long... it feels great to know i still can.
nothing can break my stride right now. Every obstacle that should, have been used as a stepping stone, and everytime one presents itself, it just adds more confidence to my stride.
Torq spent the entire night apologizing for not visiting me in the hospital. This morning too. He vows to contine to ask for my forgiveness until it's given. It will not be given. I don't hold a grudge or anything.. it's simply that: I was bored, lonely, and trapped in a room that i didn't want to be in. For more than week. And according to torq, the reason he didn't visit me was becuse it never crossed his mind to do so. Despite thinking about me everyday
what an absurdly asshole thing to admit.
especially after admitting that i am his ONLY friend [in the province] at the moment.
and i don't give a shit if he THOUGHT of me. Does his thoughts somehow lessen the misery i felt? no.
that being said, he also asked me why i'm not attracted to him. 1) he scares me when he's angry. He gets off on my fear and gets off even more when i fight back. It's a lose/lose situation for me. 2) he's fucking ignorant. How can a boy so intelligent be so ...stupid? He couldn't tell the difference between a 10 gauge and a 14 gauge. And he thinks my interest in body modification is retarded. He is a boy that wears his Givenchy and Prada with pride. And although i enjoy the fact that he takes pride in how he looks, i am disgusted because he enjoys fitting into a category.
the problem with categories is that there are rules. There are things that are "cool" and "not cool." You HAVE to like certain things while hating others. And torq's stupidity hurts my head.
he constantly disses keith. Torq will never comprehend what i shared with keith. Because according to torq, keith is "substandard" and he thinks i'm stupid for having dated someone so beneath me. And explaining these things to torq is like explaining to a child the more important things in the world. The child merely wants what it's friends want/have. And my words go ignored or ridiculed.
As far as torq's concerened... the world is about making money, so he can buy beautiful women and nice cars. The buying of the nice cars is of course, to get even more beautiful women.
anyway, the rest of my night will go into my bmezine entries.. because things happened last night that i would prefer random voyeurs to not know about.
how does one explain the inexplicable to someone so ignorant?
VIEW 8 of 8 COMMENTS
To go along with torq dissing keith -- do guys (and I'm wondering if I have been subconsciously guilty of this as well) automatically feel the need to denigrate boyfriends/significant others of girls they find attractive? Do they think it will make themselves look more appealing in the woman's eyes...?
I have, over the last few weeks, learned of disparaging comments made about me to my girlfriend... by people I don't even know! A few of them were guys she used to date, a few guys she met just recently. They will play upon one or two facts about me, or even a fucking photograph, and all of a sudden I'm painted in a negative light. To my girlfriend's credit, she defends me unquestionably... and always laughs about the feeble attempts at ego-boosting.
But... wow... is this just something guys do? Have I done it? Do girls think it's cute and flattering or cheap and pathetic?