freakqueen

i am sad.
and i hate being that girl sobbing her eyes out in the locked bathroom stall. And i dislike being the girl gripping her arm hoping to seal the cut via razor blade so she won't get blood all over herself.

i want to puke because i'm so nauseous with emotion.

i hate you. i really truly do.

my mind is hazy and i've lost the ability to think. I ran 9 k today. Not so impressive. And i got out of it was sweaty dehydration. I just did another 5 mins of sit ups. One and a half songs full. However many that is. I don't want to think for too long. It hurts too much . So i distract myself with endorphins and cuts.

I don't want to cry again.

i broke down once in the bathroom stall.. The only reason i arrived at that location was cuz i honestly thought i was about to hurl. Until then i had repressed my emo tears. My eyes were bright with not fully shedded tears when i caught my first glimpse of myself in the bathroom mirror. The tears were shed, but had not fallen. Tiny pools with potential resting and waiting.

I hate you, i do. i wnat to ask stupid questions that i know the answers to. Did you ever really love me? Of course you did. You told me so. And i know you did. I do.

I'm tired of pretending. So maybe i won't go out today. When i left the washroom, i had made sure that my face was washed and presentable. And the first person i walked into was Kathy. One of my instructors. I smiled and asked about her day cuz i haven't seen much of her this week.

I'm so fake.

Even as i rocked back and forth on the balls of my feet muttering "i dont care. i don't care" I know i did. I may not be IN love with Him, but i do love Him. And so what He does; matters.

i "didn't care" the way i "didn't care" in highschool. I'm sure Megan remembers all those fun anxiety attacks also. When I was freaked out about life... But distant enough to kill myself.

He stopped me. I feel this cruel urge to kill myself and play OLP's "4 a.m." - "if i dont make it known that i've you all along [just like sunny days that we ignore cuz we're all dumb and jaded]"

and give him a nice big fat guilt trip as a death gift.

i can't eat and have no appetite. The thought of food makes me want to hurl. Not in a queasy, miserable way.. but in a violent, gut wrenching sense.

Where do i stand? I want to be great and crush you. You will worship me and i will hate you. Hate can be a much more powerful motivation that love. Hate's also more common and easy to come by.
Revenge vs good will. we'll see who wins.
does good always triumph over evil?
not if i have anything to do with it.

You hurt me, and i got over it. Or so i thought. Is this some sort of fucked up aftershock? I feel so much; i'm going blind.

i won't delete this entry but will instead hope that it gets muddled in my entries. By creating an entry over this one as soon as i submit it.
I will give today a place in history... but will not call attention to it. Cuz it doesn't deserve any.

i want to break you.
I'm such a clever girl.
Full of wisdom and knowledge

If a relationship doesn't work out, it's cuz the two individuals weren't meant for each other. It's a process of elimination. So when one equation doesn't work out, one should be relieved - another step closer. If it doesn't work out, it doesn't mean that you should force it. if you do things out of the ordinary in order to make it work, you will always have to do the extraordianry to maintain the "ordinary".

I'm such a simple girl with a simple point of view.

very level-headed and sensible. Not emo at all. Oh no.

I walked today, with my head held high. Not because i didn't want anyone to guess that i was sad.. oh no, i wore that pain in my eyes. I'm sure.
But i wanted somebody to do something about it. So i could smash their head in.
In the computer lab today, a boy kept eyeing me. So i stared him down. And just to clarify that it was a "fuck off" and not a "fuck me" look i gave him... i also gave him the middle finger on the way out. I don't want your offerings.

How about i offer you my pain and we'll call it even?

i hate my life... whenever i tell christine that, she scoffs and says, "do you know how many people would die to be you?"

Fantasy me. I'd like to be fantasy me too.
But i'm not her, and am no where near.

I hurt all over. And keep shivering. Which is ridiculous. It's the equivilant to hiccupping after a good cry. Random shivers every now and again. No regularity.

I'm cold. But warm to the touch.

i hate you.

this mantra keeps running through my head.

i want darkness and oblivion. I want to be left alone. At the same time, i'm wondering when torquil's coming over. Maybe tonight, definitely on sunday. I'm hoping he'll take pity on me and kill me.

Torquil - My sociopath. He gets such satisfaction from killing things. Not any particular joy or anything. The kind of satisfaction one would get from killing a flying insect that wasn't doing anything harmful. Only with torquil.. it's not an insect, it's a squirrel. I kid you not.
I will not even talk about the abuse he puts cats and dogs through. He just doesn't care. Somehow, it's not wrong to him. And who am i to judge what's right and wrong? I only know what i was brought up to believe.

He can be protective of me... but it all depends on what mood he's in.

I just popped a gummy bear in my mouth and spat it out. Food tastes like shit right now

Maybe i will put a hit on Him. Only i don't want him dead. I just don't want to be vulnerable to such a tsunami of emotions. He lied to me. Or did He? He broke promises. His words mean nothing. And i hurt and i hurt.

What does this mean? i don't want ot kno what it means. i don't want to analyze, to think. I want it to stop. i need drugs. If only i liked drugs. *sigh* if only.
i could drink.. but that'd thin out my blood and i've bled enough for one day. Oh hell. If torquil does come over, i will drunk myself into a stupor and he can worry about the bandages.

I don't want food. But i need something. What the fuck. I think i want to play on the piano.

I never want to think about Him ever again.

I will cover up this entry by submitting another one of last night and Cam.