frantic

If in a good mood stop reading.....

now.

Its one of those blogs im afraid.

I feel tired mentally today. Feel odd. Maybe im well i dont know. I cant forget things people said to me years ago even in school. So stupid. Im me. I do what makes me happy. I wear black clothes black nail varnish when i can. Because i felt (feel) confident in it. But then at the same time i feel so out of place. But i know id never lie the how can i put it ? the "FAshion style" Knowing that i dress now and do now what i was afraid of doing a few years ago. Afraid, always getting beaten up. That fear has never fully gone away. Though i dont cross the road if i see a gang to get away from them. Ill walk past, sometimes not worried ready to fight back if trouble starts. But always holding my breath. Do they sense that fear? Do i show it can they sense it? Even on here i cant let go of these feelings. I feel im just "Mr blend in" The second someone mis-understands a comment or takes a shot i panic, fuck plenty of evidence round here. I always feel like the butt of the joke. Like theres im always the one thats outside of "the little private joke" between others.

I know im not always like that. Round people i know im more confident hell im even seen as the strong one. I have a small circle of friends ever changing those ones that were close last year are away with the new best pal. Not that it bothers me really, i always expect it. But my 3 closest frineds that have been around for a long time are in a mess. Ones being controled and waisting there life on a waste of time partner that they know is no good for them but cant find the strength to end it, been there on that one its tough not wanting to let go or accept the truth. The other one is being ruined by his soon to be ex wife. It hrts to see him fall apart. And my closest friend. Destroying herself with drugs. Thinks i dont know. Well when you are fucked outta your brains and are in bed new years eve by 11.30 (on two cans) and then get up new years day at 4am to go meet he guy that pushes you coke and bring him to my house (wasnt impressed when i woke up and heard a freakish voice in my house and see a guy in my house smashed outta his face on drugs) But one day im not gonna be there and nether is anyone else for her. One day shes gonna do the stupid shit and i aint gonna be out that niht or hold her head over the damn toilet as shes throwing up and not on this planet. One day she'll end up not getting in that taxi home. Shes had a few lucky escapes already, I have a horrible feeling the lucks gonna run out.

I know there are people on here and everywhere a hell of a lot worse off. Guess im just having a vent. This shit and a millin other things has been playing on my mind for months and now its keeping me awake at night. I cant help my friends and right now i cant even get a grip myself. My temper is getting worse i get so pissed off so easy just lately, im so wired as of late and i dont know why. Im not happy with me. Those of you who are reading this are the only ones who know. ive kept all this stuff quiet put a smile on it and tried to ignor it. Knowing im slipping.

Theres something missing in my life. I dont know what but this year i have to find it.

But to those thinking this is all too emo. FUCK YOU. Im down but not out.......