frantic

Im angry pissed off annoyed worn down. Id love to just destroy everything and make some motherfuckers pay. Id love to for get this conscious and cause someone else some major hurt. Instead i let it go. I know in myself i lack confidence and if i said how i felt maybe this anger would subside. Maybe the flashbacks i get would go too. A couple of chavs were staring at me as i headed to visit my mother. Everytime a group of chavs stare at me i get nervous. Well long story short they ran passed me and i immediatly thought they were gonna jump me like when i was 17 and a group of chavs (although they weremt known as chavs then i guess) beat the crap out of me for fun. fractured my colar bone left a nice lump on the back of my head where they smashed a mobile phone into the back of my head. I hit into a lampost and then into the ground. And got stamped on. They thought it was the funniest thing ever . I really thought that was it for me., I couldnt stand and i was being stamped on repaetedly and all i could remember was there laughing over and over again. Fuckers. What was even worse was i was 5 minits from my house. I was by a road when they were laying into me. A purple peugeot pulled up and some bloke got out and asked what the fuck they were doing he asked if i was ok i shaked my head then they started arguing with him. I crawled away. Made it home only to try and pretend nothing had happend. But the pain was so bad and i had foot prints all over me i couldn't hide it. And the fact i droped out of colledge because of it had counciling was afraid to go out side, afraid to do anything. But now if it happend id not curl up in a ball. I know that id snap. id go for one and go for maximum damage. The result of that i dont know. But at least id feel not so walked over.

Its stupid because it happend after i left school. Although i felt not part of the group then a nobody. I foung my school reports the other day and compared them y7 i was a happy if lively kid. Come y11 the subjects that id love the most id not really seemed attached to. Drama class which id loved the most it said "id lost interest it seemed" And although i never liked pe it always said I gave it my best shot Although towards the end i really did start to shut off as it the report reads "Andrew has been more reluctant to be involved partiulary in recent weeks" Dammit this was over 5 years ago. And im still shut off. Maybe i need to get back into drinking mode. I still cant think of having alcohol after new years eve. Hell im gonna get waisted friday.

As much as i do want to forget this world/life the fact im becoming such a cliche its untrue, I just have to find a way to unwind. I got myself the new korn album, not bad really and then i just wrote a 4 page f1 preview in the racing group. and its not even finished. The only thing that does rival my love for music is motorsport. I love nothing more to shut away and watch a race the same way i blast a cd. Hell i followed f1 before i even got into music. I think ill watch some season reviews. I dont want to write about anything else thats eating at me. this has been a way to depressing journal. Next entry will be more cheerful. Promise.