fraggle

everything woulda been fine this evening if my sis hadn't reminded me that whenever my dad speaks of me these days, he never fails to mention that i'm lacking focus right now. i want to scream "well, no SHIT i lack focus right now!! what the fuck do you think i'm out here trying to FIND???" everything's become so wierd and complicated so fast. i want a divorce from this family. i want out of the country. i want to leave and go where no one i've ever met before needs to know where i am unless i want them to, and stay as long as *i*, not someone else, wants me to be there. i'm starting to get discusted by this place. i'm starting to get annoyed that there's never people who both get it, and give a shit, at the same time.

sitting posing for a drawing class today i decided, like as if it dawned on me, that i really am going to leave the country, without the fucking parental consent, without them even necessarilly knowing, until i'm there or on my way... i need to be away from all these endless cycles of me trying so hard in private to get somewhere, not making it all the way there fast enough, and then not being able for one reason or another to explain to all the people watching the clock what i've been doing and why i haven't been doing something else. and i haven't been able to do anything freely. and i haven't been able to be myself to anyone, and i have a massive breakdown every couple weeks or months about it and it never gets me anywhere. *i* never get anywhere. i have to get out of here... there's less and less and less for me here... i haven't had the chance *ever* to be *anywhere* or do anything all the way through... everything ends up all in knots... everything ends before it can become anything... again and again i have the right path for me dangled in front of my face and then it dissintegrates just when it starts to be promising; and they're criticising me for not having a game plan for the next 5-10 years?? i'm trying the best i can but it's coming to the end of the rope of what i can do here: of what i can do with such folks looking over my shoulder, judging my pace towards goals that are theirs and not mine...

...i'm leaving in summer, and i don't know when i'll be back.