fracturedguy

I was so nervous yesterday that I thought it best to show up drunk. When I arrived, there were three stacks of books on a table. He brought out a kneeling board for me to sit on as he handed me book after book to look at. He told me about each. I looked at somewhere around one to two hundred Buddhists texts and sutras, some of which I should not have been looking at. Some of which I could see but not touch.

He told me that before I go to Nyingma, I should read certain books, and I became more excited by the idea that I would be learning a lot in the coming days, weeks and months than I was about the idea that I would be going to Nyingma so soon. I thought, he is giving me a lot of preparation before I go to what I anticipated would be my introduction to serious, practical Buddhism. I thought, this is a lot of preparation, but I like the idea of going there with so much under my belt. I thought, this man has raised genius, and is genius, and I have no reason to doubt that this is a good plan.

So now I am studying to take the Bodhisattva vows. I wish I had a week to spend on a boat, down the Ohio and Mississippi rivers.

I told Katie last night about my smoking. Before that, she had told me she still likes me, but she likes me differently. I do not think I will ever get her back. I have felt for some time that I have lost her until my next life, but I felt that if I did not tell her that, then it would somehow not be true.
I should not have fallen in love with someone so young and then hung hopes on that love.
I should not have fallen in love.