Login
Forgot Password?

OR

Login with Google Login with Twitter Login with Facebook
  • Join
  • Profiles
  • Groups
  • SuicideGirls
  • Photos
  • Videos
  • Shop
Vital Stats

fracturedguy

Dickson, TN

Member Since 2002

Followers 58 Following 84

  • Everything
  • Photos
  • Video
  • Blogs
  • Groups
  • From Others

Monday Dec 13, 2004

Dec 13, 2004
0
  • Facebook
  • Tweet
  • Email
{[all of a sudden]}
I'm sick of _____.
I'm horrible, I'm pathetic, I'm _____.
I don't understand.
Everything, _____, slipping away
words don't make sense, I don't understand what is going on, what happened to me
Selling my soul?
Faith in God?
Accepting defeat, but not admitting it?
So many things... not happy
I'm a horrible person
but am I?
Is there hope? Is there anybody that can explain hope to me?
Or even describe it?
Or even to tell me it exists?
Even if it doesn't exist for me, I think I would feel at least a bit better to know that it's somewhere.
I will never say I'm sorry again, I will not apologize.
I haven't done anything wrong, nobody blames me for anything, nobody feels wronged.
So why do I feel guilt?
Why Do i feel Guilt?
Two days ago there was beautiful, frustratingly out of season weather, and I was wearing short-sleeved shirts.
Tonight I am an alcoholic and it is snowing. Where was the line, and when did I cross it?
Was I delusional for all this time, only to now snap to and realize the results of it?
Or was I actually a person, trying to be a good person, and now I've slid into this id, this sub-conscious, the part of me that is everything that I despise being, and everything I've ever wanted to be that I am sickened by?
Obviously the things I remember happened -- I'm living in my girlfriend's house, boxes are packed -- but did anything happen the way I remember?
I can't cut myself right now, because I promised her I wouldn't. And it's not that it's the promise that's keeping me from it, it's that it wouldn't heal before she would see it. It's that she'd know I broke the promise. That's how I'm a horrible person -- that's what a promise is to me. It's not a matter of honor, it's a matter of avoiding shame.
The people that would tell you that's the same thing are not the same people that would tell you cowardice isn't being afraid.
The people that would tell you it's the same thing are not the people that tell you the truth; they are the people that tell you a false truth and make it sound so insightful that you can believe them.
The people that would tell you it's the same thing are the people I belong with, because they are not the people that believe it. They are just. the people. that would tell you that.
To avoid shame.
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
justsayfaux:
weird. i give Siddharththa as a gift. its such a great book, and i read it at a time in my life in which it made a great impact.
Dec 14, 2004
suburban_relapse:
I love that quote by Andrei Bitov! And thanks for the comment you left, too. Shall I start robbing the cradle? Then at least I can raise 'em how I like 'em!

Ok, I'm going to hell now......
Dec 15, 2004

More Blogs

  • 08.27.06
    2

    Sunday Aug 27, 2006

    I've got the start of a caffeine headache. I housesat for someone wh…
  • 08.17.06
    0

    Thursday Aug 17, 2006

    Walking on the sands I decided to leave you. I was treading a dar…
  • 08.15.06
    2

    Tuesday Aug 15, 2006

    Good lord, next time just tell me to shut up, people. This summer's …
  • 08.09.06
    1

    Wednesday Aug 09, 2006

    it's been a bit since i've spoken at all here... i honestly somehow f…
  • 07.19.06
    2

    Wednesday Jul 19, 2006

    "Violence, after all, is nothing more than a fear of love. And whne y…
  • 07.01.06
    0

    Saturday Jul 01, 2006

    7. Not giving Dharma to those who desire it. This commitment advises…
  • 06.29.06
    0

    Thursday Jun 29, 2006

    I love my job. I just hate waking up at 5:30 AM for it. Otherwise, I…
  • 06.26.06
    1

    Monday Jun 26, 2006

    "He was a simple, lonely beetle who had no other purpose Maybe not to…
  • 06.17.06
    2

    Saturday Jun 17, 2006

    23 July 2004: that was my last haircut, according to an ancient blog.…
  • 06.11.06
    3

    Sunday Jun 11, 2006

    I came back and everything got weird. First of all, I came back quit…

We at SuicideGirls have been celebrating alternative pin-up girls for:

23
years
8
months
25
days
  • 5,509,826 fans
  • 41,393 fans
  • 10,327,617 followers
  • 4,593 SuicideGirls
  • 1,123,960 followers
  • 14,912,794 photos
  • 321,315 followers
  • 61,373,207 comments
  • Join
  • Profiles
  • Groups
  • Photos
  • Videos
  • Shop
  • Help
  • About
  • Press
  • LIVE

Legal/Tos | DMCA | Privacy Policy | 18 U.S.C. 2257 Record-Keeping Requirements Compliance Statement | Contact Us | Vendo Payment Support
©SuicideGirls 2001-2025

Press enter to search
Fast Hi-res

Click here to join & see it all...

Crop your photo