fracturedguy

{[all of a sudden]}
I'm sick of _____.
I'm horrible, I'm pathetic, I'm _____.
I don't understand.
Everything, _____, slipping away
words don't make sense, I don't understand what is going on, what happened to me
Selling my soul?
Faith in God?
Accepting defeat, but not admitting it?
So many things... not happy
I'm a horrible person
but am I?
Is there hope? Is there anybody that can explain hope to me?
Or even describe it?
Or even to tell me it exists?
Even if it doesn't exist for me, I think I would feel at least a bit better to know that it's somewhere.
I will never say I'm sorry again, I will not apologize.
I haven't done anything wrong, nobody blames me for anything, nobody feels wronged.
So why do I feel guilt?
Why Do i feel Guilt?
Two days ago there was beautiful, frustratingly out of season weather, and I was wearing short-sleeved shirts.
Tonight I am an alcoholic and it is snowing. Where was the line, and when did I cross it?
Was I delusional for all this time, only to now snap to and realize the results of it?
Or was I actually a person, trying to be a good person, and now I've slid into this id, this sub-conscious, the part of me that is everything that I despise being, and everything I've ever wanted to be that I am sickened by?
Obviously the things I remember happened -- I'm living in my girlfriend's house, boxes are packed -- but did anything happen the way I remember?
I can't cut myself right now, because I promised her I wouldn't. And it's not that it's the promise that's keeping me from it, it's that it wouldn't heal before she would see it. It's that she'd know I broke the promise. That's how I'm a horrible person -- that's what a promise is to me. It's not a matter of honor, it's a matter of avoiding shame.
The people that would tell you that's the same thing are not the same people that would tell you cowardice isn't being afraid.
The people that would tell you it's the same thing are not the people that tell you the truth; they are the people that tell you a false truth and make it sound so insightful that you can believe them.
The people that would tell you it's the same thing are the people I belong with, because they are not the people that believe it. They are just. the people. that would tell you that.
To avoid shame.