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fracturedguy

Dickson, TN

Member Since 2002

Followers 58 Following 84

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Saturday Nov 27, 2004

Nov 27, 2004
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i'm becoming aware of a couple of things.

one thing: i lie to myself a lot.
i tell myself i'm going to do all these great things. i tell myself i am going to make a difference in this world. i look at my father, and my mother's sister, and i tell myself, "that is what i would be like, if i wasn't going to do things better, if i wasn't going to do things right." but that is a lie. that is what i am like, and that is how i will remain until i do things better, until i do things right. i feel they have wasted their lives. i am wasting my life, every day. i believe that greatness is just going to happen. the problem is, i tell myself that is not what i believe. i tell myself that i am realistic, and of course it is not just going to happen.
but really, i just sit and wait for greatness.

the other thing:
The Girl does not believe me.
I tell her that she is the most wonderful thing in so many ways. And it is not that she thinks I am lying -- it is that the concept of what I am saying is so unbeleievable to her that it never occurs to her that it might mean something. I tell her that she is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. See, some people just say that. I have said that before, I will admit. But when I said it to her, it was because those words meant more than I ever imagined they could. The problem is, they meant more than she, apparently, does imagine they could. Which makes sense. A lot of the meaning I have seen in certain things, she has yet to see, because she has yet to live through what I have.
I tried to explain college to her, when she was in high school, and she thought she understood what I meant. She created an image of what I said within the realm of her at-the-time worldly knowledge. When she got to college, it was entirely different from what she imagined, and yet it was still much as I described (and much different, too, since I came to college from a different direction). That part, I do not see that as a problem. Everybody does that, I do that. It has moved from the realm of "problematic" to the realm of "part of everyday life with people."
But the first bit, that is only a problem because it gets in the way of so many things. I cannot talk about anything that she is interested in without involving her, because she feels that I am comparing. The Girl is into forensic psychology; therefore, if I mention another female friend's interest in forensic science, I am (in her perception) comparing the girl to The Girl.
She does not take it to heart that nothing compares to her.

Is it something that can only come with time, or is there something I can do to help her see? What if it doesn't come with time?
fracturedguy:
also, i miss wearing glasses.
Nov 27, 2004

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