Time for an update, I seem to forget to do that pretty frequently lately.
A few days ago I got that strange feeling of displacement again. It comes on strong sometimes, like a runaway frieght train out of my subconscious.
Sometimes it feels like there's nothing that really belongs to me. Everything is attached to some era of my life, so many other faces and hearts stuck to it. I can't picture my own face in my mind.
It all reminds me of other times, other lives I've led. It gets hard to pinpoint where I really am in all of it. I hear a song, smell a scent, and I'm thrust backwards in time, throughout different dimensions. Sometimes I find myself living inside the fantasy of the past, but where is she in all of it? She feels like nothing but an enigma, a costume.
Maybe its the curse of Mercury, maybe its the curse of boredom. Maybe its the whiplash of forcing myself into the A-word too quickly.
Sometimes it feels like I don't know what I'm talking about.
And then its gone, and myself back down. I guess thats just life though, a constant evolution, so maybe we're not always supposed to recognize our own faces in the mirror.
A few days ago I got that strange feeling of displacement again. It comes on strong sometimes, like a runaway frieght train out of my subconscious.
Sometimes it feels like there's nothing that really belongs to me. Everything is attached to some era of my life, so many other faces and hearts stuck to it. I can't picture my own face in my mind.
It all reminds me of other times, other lives I've led. It gets hard to pinpoint where I really am in all of it. I hear a song, smell a scent, and I'm thrust backwards in time, throughout different dimensions. Sometimes I find myself living inside the fantasy of the past, but where is she in all of it? She feels like nothing but an enigma, a costume.
Maybe its the curse of Mercury, maybe its the curse of boredom. Maybe its the whiplash of forcing myself into the A-word too quickly.
Sometimes it feels like I don't know what I'm talking about.
And then its gone, and myself back down. I guess thats just life though, a constant evolution, so maybe we're not always supposed to recognize our own faces in the mirror.
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I think I've felt all of that before... different parts of me long gone rise up out of nowhere and too often inconvieniently and inappropriately. I think, I think that maybe we find ourselves in these moments. Like your subconscious is telling you something. sometimes this happens in dreams for me. Or maybe it's just boredom -- but that's boring.
I find myself in these things... and I think it is often just some piece of me going "hey remember me? do you need me now? are you sure? okay" And when I look at it like that, I get a better idea of what parts of myself to be sacrificed and which need to be nurtured.
It isn't that nothing belongs to me, that others made me and I just went along for the trip. Instead I think they showed me pieces of me, by how I reacted and felt. Like a how a bat knows something by radar. I know myself by bouncing myself off of them. Sometimes, I made walls inside of myself and other times I made bits of me more whole. Someday those pieces will all come together. and then maybe all fall apart again.
hope that makes some useful sense for you.