fpkk

THE 'BACON ROLL' ENTRY

Todays episode is concerned chiefly with the Herculean effort it takes to change who you are into someone you want to be.

And it all begins witht he desire to have a bacon roll.

Yesterday on the way back from my mate's house in Bath I stopped in at the all night supermarket/gas station and decided to buy some bacon and rolls for brunch today.

But one of my intentions in coming back a bit early from my trip was to get on with finally sorting out the huge amount of crud in my flat and having my living pace more readily reflect who I am now than whoever the fuck I used to be when I imagined I needed all the junk I've hoarded and mess I created.

So this morning I made a list of things I should do to consider my day a success and figured after I'd done three or four of them I would 'reward' myself for my efforts with a couple of hard earned bacon rolls. I got to work.

But I suddenly started to realise. As I sorted and tidied and shuffled stuff about that, in fact, I couldn't just do three or four tasks. Because as I unpicked the carefully constructed layer of mess that I had cocooned myself in more tasks grew. Like a seven headed hydra of untidiness tidying up one thing created a mess somewhere else. And so some tasks would have to be extended or turned into task chains to get them properly completed.

Before I knew where I was it was 5pm. I broke for coffee and cast about on MSN Messenger for someone to chat to. Whilst chatting I started to notice a strange headache, an insistent push on the inside of my forehead. This was terrible! My work for today was nowhere near complete and I was beginning to feel quite ill!

Then I realised. My 'brunch' had not yet happened. I'd been operating on zero sustenance all day. Now it was too late. The onset of the headache meant I had already neglected my dietary requirements for far too long. You see before I could cook I really had to tackle the mountain of washing up by the sink.So I finally get around to doing that and as I'm drying up I cook the bacon by now it is 7:30 pm and I am beginning to feel seriously dizzy. Now I am munching bacon rolls and writing this.

But Mr fpkk, I hear you say, could you not just have eaten earlier... or maybe done the ewashing up first. Well, you see, i didn't really want to start on the washing up because, to be fair, I am forever doing thewashing up. It proves nothing with regards to my desire to be a cleaner, clutter free fpkk. So I wanted to start with some progress that would make me feel a bit better about life in general. It is only when you face up to the complexity of your own past self that you understand that the self-sacrifice required to change isn't some woolly melancholia that you can wistfully wave goodbye to and shed a few emo tears at it's passing.

Your old self is, rather, like having to deal with someone who you used to be really tight with, and now they just irritate you intensely. And you have to face up to the fact that if you don't want to be associated with that person anymore sometimes the bacon has to wait and the headache is important.

I'm not going through some quasi-adolescent emotional angst here. I was so determined to start wiping my slate clean that I made myself mildly unwell due to provable physiological errors. But old me left me living in a situation much akin to one of those tile puzzles where there is only one space move at any one time.

Old me's a bit of a bastard really. At least I got fed eventually. But I still have massive amounts of housework left to do...