So Micah and I had a good time at the Fusion, and no one else came. Unless of course people were hiding from us? Anyway, we yelled at each other over the music, I bobbed my head to the good songs, and Micah looked very cute dancing.

There was a German Industrial song they played, maybe Bauhaus? that totally kicked ass. Micah and I discussed how Trent Reznor is really just a pussy when "Head Like A Hole" came on. As I said to Micah, Reznor is nothing more than a trombone player from a high school in Illinois. He is not hardcore. However, he may very well be the best producer I've ever heard in my life.

In a good Nine Inch Nails song, there will be about 10 parts going on at once, and if you listen close enough you can hear each one individually without it interfering with listening to the rest of the music. I don't know if I'm explaining it too well. It just seems that in spite of dense layering, each part is given enough space to breathe. I'm constantly amazed by that in a good Nine Inch Nails song. Its very good music for an expensive set of heaphones.

Anyway, depending on how sedated I am at 6 or so in the morning, I may go to breakfast with Micah and Ap0cALYpSe_MeOw Could be fun if I'm able to wake up enough to go out. Most likely I will be sleeping off a very long day instead. Sorry guys. But I will try.

Micah is the shit, and so is SG. I'm not even mad no one else came, because everything went fine. Why do I expect catastrophe? Perhaps because it has been the norm in my life. I am very tired.

Oh and big news is, I'm probably going to break it off with the guy I've been dating. My impression is that he's mostly smoking pot and flunking out of school, and lying to his parents about the whole thing. Joy, me at 19, just what I want in a boyfriend.

I don't have the courage to call him yet. I avoided his calls today and he probably is upset. I don't know whether to break our date for Sunday or what. Maybe I should go down and talk to him in person? He is so very sweet. And even interesting. I liked kissing him.

I guess it's already over. My first dates in six years folks. Oh well. If I got myself in the gym and worked out a bit, I would probably find more takers. And worked on myself in other ways too. Lots of work needed on me at this point.

Understand that I am basically a self-confident person. That may strike people who have met me as odd. But I am. I know what I am and I don't give a shit what people think at all. Tonight I wore a pullover turtleneck, cargo pants with no button at the waist, and a pair of sandals, and didn't care that everyone else there was going to be all gothed out.

My problem is that I get very anxious, paranoid even. While I can generally live with the idea of being alone, I am generally sure right off the bat that someone I've met doesn't like me.

So how can I say I'm self-confident? My point is that I do like myself, I'm just not so sure about you liking me. And normally if someone rubs me the wrong way, I figure they are a fuckhead and I fuck them off until they leave me alone.

It's not a good way to be. I have difficulty connecting with people because of my basic fear that I can't trust them. So while I generally think I'm the type of guy someone would be very blessed to be friends with, I don't make friends easily.

When it comes to romance, I'm even worse. I haven't trusted anyone enough to let them in that way in over 6 years.

But I'm fairly sure that this thing with Alex is not simply me fucking him off. I think he is self-destructing, and I know what people are like when they are self-destructing, and generally they take you down with them.

So I'm a little sad, very tired, very anxious about talking to Alex, and generally just... emo.

But I still maintain that my attitude is basically good. Something will come along, and it will be better than the last thing. I am hopeful. And talking to Micah at six in the morning sounds entertaining, especially if he drinks more.



Oh, and does anyone else here like Frank Black and the Catholics? The name is what attracted me, found out belatedly that Frank Black was a member of the Pixies, and now a CD that sounded sort of lo-fi and avant-garde is really pleasing my ears.

Well sweet guys, SG is the best. I've been going through severe Internet burnout, and that's why I've been sort of out of the loop. I'll be making keeping up here a priority.

Later.

Tim.