I've come to hate realizations. Because realizations are always bad news.

First realization: I've misjudged and wronged a lot of friends on here. Part of it was reactionary to two things--losing my best friend of seven years, and being backstabbed by local friends. Firefly, whatshisnuts, notanemoboy, and especially Lex, I apologize from the bottom of my heart.

Second realization: The best years of my life are behind me now. I can't go back and reclaim that joyful innocence I had. It hit me today when my soon-to-be roommates Bonnie and Keely took me to the Ohio Renaissance Festival, where I used to act nearly ten years ago. I was watching a performance of which I used to be a part. I was laughing with the crowd at first... then I just kept laughing... and then I had to bolt and hide because I stopped laughing--and started crying. I've only cried like this a few times.

At sixteen years old, when four of my best friends and my fiancee died.

At twenty-one, walking in on my new fiancee and my best man having sex.

At twenty-three, hearing that a very close friend of mine had been raped and murdered.

At twenty-four, hearing from the girl I considered my soulmate that she was in love, and was now engaged.

And now at twenty-five, as I realized I have nothing to look forward to anymore.

To top out the day, the lies of a person who had convinced me she was a good friend were exposed today. Up until that moment, I had decided to quit smoking. After that, I really question if I want to quit. A full lifetime doesn't seem really worth it in reflection.

I'll be leaving SG after this membership runs out. For those who can't forgive me for what I've done, please at least take comfort in that.

-Jon.