foreverloaded

It's almost 5 am... I just stumbled onto an email conversation (IT WAS IN MY FAVORITES AS AS LINK!) between my boyfriend and some 20 yr old girl he knows through his son, who's 20 or so. (I'm 26, my boyfriend is in his early 40s) I am completely disturbed by the message. I was described to this girl by Dave (my bf) as "emotionally and mentally unstable sometimes..."; AND he went on to tell her that he "doesn't know how long this will last." He has some weird need to be "friends" with people way younger than he, and it has gotten him into trouble before. ( he was subbing at a local high school and got involved in some problem between an "outcast student" and faculty. He REALLY needs to learn how to choose his battles. I don't know what he thinks he can accomplish by being some hero for the underdog teen- FEMALE teen, mind you, but be labeled as a fuckin perv.)

WTF??? Things have been going so well lately- but AGAIN I am rudely reminded of our underlying problems. OF COURSE I woke him to confront him. I had to stop shaking and get my breath first. His response: "What were you doing, reading my emails?' UH- YOU obviously bookmarked it, Einstein! "Well- if you TRUSTED me- you wouldn't have read it!" YEAH- and OBVIOUSLY I have great reason to trust you. As far as I can throw you.
I didn't bother explaining that YEAH I kinda HAD to read it, to see what the fuck it was. I was looking for a particular link out of the hundreds I have in favorites, and a page came up- no indication it was an email- much less HIS email, just a Yahoo page.

What the hell? I leave my journals open. Even INVITE him to read them. I have nothing to hide.

Well- I guess I am saving money to get my own place now. I can't live like this. Further more--- WHY should I? I'm not vain- but I don't think I'm so unattractive that i can't find someone who I can TRUST. Fuck. Not to be heartless- but REALLY- ANYONE would be lucky to have me, so why am I putting my heart out on the chopping block over and over for this 40-something depressed duplicitous betrayer, who obviously has a Humbert Humbert complex? He has nothing better to say for himself than attempting to shift the blame onto ME?!?
OK friends- i need some encouragement to get out of this. This is just the straw that broke this bitch's back. Am I overreacting? I am heartbroken by this. But I honestly cannot say I am surprised.


ps- he signed that email to her with "Love"