I should be asleep, work and all that but my head won't switch off. The flat is empty and silent and dark. It feels like a cell at times, nobody visits here, when the door closes I cease to exist. Most of the time that's the way I like it but it's times like these I wonder what it's like to share a world with another person. Could I let somebody in, could I coexist in the same space? I don't understand how normal people live their lives, social gatherings with people you don't know, going places and doing things in the evenings and weekends.
I understand coding, its simplicity is sublime, one problem and the path to an efficient solution. Fixing my beetle, a machine that I can channel my vision of perfection into. Painting miniatures, fine detail and a process that I can master and be alone with. People on the other hand, they baffle me, they aren't as easy to understand, they don't tell you what they need from you.
As much as I wanted her in my life I am glad she is gone now, as much as I miss her sunshine I know it would have cast too many shadows for me to understand. I'm not sure there will ever be someone in my life, someone to share the dark with. I just wish it wasn't so damn quiet.
To she that will likely never be. If you chose to walk by my side do you do it knowing how much this world confuses me, that I will likely never understand what it is I am meant to be saying or doing?
I should sleep now, close my eyes, let the silence wash over me and breathe slow and deep until it's time to get up and pretend like I fit in once more.
#personal #confessional #aloneinthedark