foreshadowboxer

what good are memories when they only hurt you?

seriously, why did i go and put myself in a position to care about someone. i didn't move to texas to care, honestly. where does it put me in comparison to my goals of complete and total hermit? should i backtrack to a time when i was happy to around people not awkward around them? how does one do that? how does one not choke on every word as they slice their way up from inside of me? what difference to i make to other people's lives when i am hardly around mentally or physically?

my family is gone and i am starting to feel the loneliness creep in, shouldn't i be use to it by now? shouldn't the words that leak from my body be enough company?

okay, i want to be a better person...or atleast a person because i know i am better just nothing to compare it to. i want to scream and dance, feel the ground leave my feet, take leave of my senses because they are faulty to begin with. does any one want to participate?

muriell comes home soon and i am looking forward to that more than anything else in june. i leave for reno in july and mr. bruce campbell is going to be at the drafthouse when i get back. looks like the studies are beginning soon which means no life summer is about to begin. no, that is negative, i am going to make a life for myself outside of my work. turn my "no stress" stress in to something productive, tasty, and soaring.

but why do i let myself feel hurt when i don't want to feel at all?

tomorrow: pictures from memorial weekend.