flyonwall

went to visit my grandfather in the hospital yesterday..

"It's hell when you know where are you but you just can't quite name it"

needless to say.. i did not enjoy the visit.

i've been dwelling on alot of things.. but.. i always seem to become morose (or, more morose) around NYE and then following up with my birthday.. I believe in birthday resolutions more than NYE ones since.. your birthday has more personal significance than the fact you have to get used to writing a different digit for the year.. and.. reflecting around New Years about how much i have not accomplished.. the month and a half left until my birthday seems to leave just enough time to feel like I could still start on something.. try.. and then find out i'm making no headway at all.. but.. just.. not doing anything at all is also infuriating.. to just lie there and bitch and moan and not take action really makes me disappointed in myself.. but.. putting forth concentrated effort and falling flat on my face feels about the same.. so it's a lose/lose situation...

and.. as much as i want.. it's starting to feel lke "Next year things will be different" is just another illusion to sooth my soul..