Being a Libra really sucks sometimes, and absolutely amazing other times. The biggest struggle is this constant need for balance in life, which is basically a gigantic cosmic Fuck you because balance is an illusion, much like many other things in life. Sure, we can find that balance for a little while, but maintaining it, now there's the trick. It often times feels like a tight rope act between 2 mountains and at first, it's wonderful as you look around, taking in the view, but then you wobble just a hair. Suddenly, you can no longer appreciate the view because now you're strictly focused on keeping your balance. You're staring at your feet, trying hard not to let your focus wander to the depths below, because you know whats down there, absolute chaos. And not even the good adrenaline rush kind of chaos, but the extreme chaos, where there is no happy medium, it is all left or all right. You either let the introvert take hold and completely close yourself off or you go full throttle, wide open, balls to the fuckin wall, to the point where you're bat shit and either people completely avoid you or the wrong people take hold, and in fearing the introvert, you let them, which leads down a wild mess of shit.
Now please, don't get it twisted, I'm not depressed or anything, that was just a brief summary of one aspect of Libra life, in an extreme case. While I have been at both extremes at one point in my life or another, I think I have managed to get a pretty good grip on things most of the time. What this is about however, is a new path, a new feeling, a new desire, that I haven't ever felt before, nor am I aware of anyone I know that has, nor do I know what it's called. As some of you know, I have semi recently embarked on a journey to reclaim parts of me that I missed; photography, graphic arts, etc... Interestingly enough, it somehow lead me to something else and it feels almost drug like LoL (I hate using lol but I don't know how else to express the humor of it.) It started off joining Patreon and pledging to a lady whose work I have admired for a very long time, one of the 3 responsible for me being a member here in the first place. Then I donated to a gofundme so a lovely lady could be home for the holidays, then another Patreon pledge, then I bought out a beautiful, smart and angelically sweet young ladies Amazon wishlist. And somewhere in all that, I bought a girl I see at the gas station all the time a bunch of baby stuff, and breakfast for another woman because her card was declined. All within the last few months, there was a 3rd patreon (well a first actually) but I cancelled after discovering how horrible she really is, and I can't seem to stop. I don't know that I want to stop but I do find it humorous that I seem to get mildly agitated? bothered? not sure what the word is but I get some kind of way when I feel they overly express their appreciation, which is weird, I know, but I honestly kind of feel like I don't deserve it. I just don't know how to handle it, because I don't know what it's called.
And before anyone else says it, I am NOT looking for a FinDomme! Ha! I already googled that shit, and was actually surprised it's a real thing, which is awesome because not much surprises me these days. I was already married once, but at least I occasionally got sex in return for blowing my savings, I crack myself up. So what is it, whats the word for it, is there a word for it? Fuck, does there even need to be a word for it? I mean seriously, there is no real motivation behind why I am doing it, I'm not looking for justification or gratification or any other -ification.
I really need to find a model to shoot so I can get some more lens time under my belt, I can't believe its been 15 years since I picked up a camera and now I can't seem to put it down AND I already want to upgrade to a better one. And now I'm just rambling because I don't know how to end this, so the end.