I'm so very sad, depressed and angry with myself that yesterday, I had a relapse with my Multiple Sclerosis. I haven't left my flat since Christmas day last year, when I managed to get a taxi to my parents for a lovely dinner and day with my nearest and dearest and was supposed to, and was looking forward to doing the same thing this year.
Unfortunately, I woke up yesterday with more than the usual amount of pain and completely unable to use my left leg at all. I cannot feel anything from my groin to my toes in my left leg at all. The whole leg feels ten times heavier than my right leg (which is pretty useless anyway!) and I just can't lift it off the floor. I can't believe that this illness is so cruel. If it had been Christmas last weekend, I would have been able, just about, to make it work, but this horrible disease has no kindness about it and always seems to be the cruelest thing I've ever experienced in my life.
I know that I should probably call an ambulance and go to hospital, but I can't. We are having nurses and ambulance staff striking here in England at the moment and even if I managed to get there, I would be stuck in hospital until Tuesday at the very least before they would release me and I couldn't bare that. With all the noises of other patients, the beeping of machines and alarms. I would be unable to sleep for 4 or 5 days and the stress of that would probably keep me in there for weeks.
I shouldn't be surprised, but I can't believe that this illness has done this to me at the very time that I had been looking forward to all year long.
I'm so sorry for writing such a negative message here, and I don't expect anyone to read or reply to this, but I just had to get this out of my system.
Apologies once again and I truly hope that each and every one of you have a wonderful, festive weekend. I send love to you all Xx
