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flippyleggs

Member Since 2005

Followers 152 Following 86

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Thursday Aug 25, 2005

Aug 25, 2005
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Lately, I have been really into NIN's song "Right Where it Belongs". It seems to match up alot with how I have been feeling for the past year or so. I feel like I worked really hard to try and create a certain person (which I have never fully attained anyway), and now I don't even know if that is the person I want to be. Maybe it was a waste of time.

Now I have a decent job that I worked like a fiend to get; a wonderful husband; and loving (yet moderatetly dysfunctional) family that depends on me being the sound, responsible one in the group.

I feel uncomfortable in my own skin, and for the first time in my life, unsure about where I am going or if it is even in the right direction. I don't talk to anyone close to me about this because I am afraid it will hurt/confuse/alarm/ unsettle them.

I wonder about the other version of me that could have existed if I had gone down other paths, but I am not sure I could have gone down them anyway. Maybe what I chose was because of who I was.

Reznor asks when you look at the animal in the cage you have built are sure which side you are on? I am feeling less and less sure of this. I do feel trapped in the cage I spent a lifetime carefully building. I have this terrible urge to run away from everyone and everything I know. To be somebody different with a whole new life ahead of me. But, is it ever really possible to run away from who you are? I am not sure, but I have my doubts. Maybe after wasting the immense time and energy running, I will find myself right back where I started from. It makes me teary-eyed to even think about it. I have never been so confused. I would have thought at this age I would be more sure of myself, but I am less sure than I have ever been.

I guess it all doesn't matter in the end. I have people who depend on me, and as long as that exists, I cannot let them down. I am bawling like a child. I never thought I would hurt so much or be so confused.

Well, that is it for the truth for now. I have to turn off that worry and get ready to teach a class. Teaching is in large part acting for me, and I have to appear the confident person seemingly ready to engage and enlighten. I hope my students never stumble onto this.
satyrius:
I often wonder were I would be had I made different choices.My cages are of my own making and although I am at times inside the cage I also hold all the keyes. I ran and found myself in place of uknowingness that led to were I'm today , not entirely myself yet part of something that is much greater than the summ of it's parts. Hope , perhaps this helps.Take care.
S.
Aug 25, 2005

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