Does anyone else worry about death as much as I do?
I'm a very skeptical agnostic but technically not quite an atheist. I'll give that there is an outside chance that there might be some sort of order to the universe...kinda like there is an outside chance that I'll flip a coin a 1000 times in a row and have it come up tails every time. But even then, that doesn't mean that there is an afterlife.
I have to discipline myself not to think about the inevitability that I'm going to cease to exist. Otherwise, I'll run my anxiety level through the roof. Hell doesn't scare me at all. After all, you don't have a physical body any more, so it's impossible for you to feel pain. Even emotions as we experience them are largely a combination of chemicals released in the brain and physiological responses. Big deal. Send me to hell. I dare ya baby Jesus ya big sissy! It's losing my consciousness, never having another thought that terrifies me. I'd even be satisfied with some sort of semi conscious dreamlike state.
It's the most horrible fate I can imagine, and there isn't anything I can do to avoid it. It's like all of my life is sitting in the principals office, waiting for the paddeling that I know is coming. I'm ashamed that the only way I know to not make myself ill over the dilemma is to not face it head on like I do with everything else, but to resign myself to defeat and just not think about it. To just bury my head in the sand and tell myself to just make sure I make the most of the time I have.
Don't misunderstand me when I say that I'm afraid of death. It's not that I'm afraid of dying tomorrow. Granted I'd prefer to put it off as long as possible, but it's gonna get me any way so it's not a huge deal when. Whether I die in 5 days or 50 years, it doesn't matter once I'm dead. Even if I knew I was going to live more than a 1000 years, I'd be just as worried about death because it would still be coming for me. What's a 1000 years in the big picture of all of time? Not even a nanosecond!
I'm fascinated by astronomy, but it always makes me depressed because it emphasizes how insignificant I am and how finite my existence is. Anyone know anything about astronomy? Are there any theories out there about multiple big bangs? People always talk about THE big bang. I assume it's a cycle. The universe compresses down on itself until it explodes, expands, slows, starts compressing down on itself, eventually explodes again, over and over. (like gasses in an engine cylinder) In all of infinity, I also assume that there are other big bangs going on all the time, a billion every second, just way too far off for us to ever detect them.
I think if I knew when it was going to happen, I'd actually feel a lot better. I could prepare for it and wouldn't have to stress over the unknown of constantly wondering when it was going to happen. I wouldn't feel like I was perpetually waiting outside the principle's office.
If you actually bothered to read all that, you're almost as messed up as I am. I think about this on almost a daily basis and needed to get it off my chest.
I'm a very skeptical agnostic but technically not quite an atheist. I'll give that there is an outside chance that there might be some sort of order to the universe...kinda like there is an outside chance that I'll flip a coin a 1000 times in a row and have it come up tails every time. But even then, that doesn't mean that there is an afterlife.
I have to discipline myself not to think about the inevitability that I'm going to cease to exist. Otherwise, I'll run my anxiety level through the roof. Hell doesn't scare me at all. After all, you don't have a physical body any more, so it's impossible for you to feel pain. Even emotions as we experience them are largely a combination of chemicals released in the brain and physiological responses. Big deal. Send me to hell. I dare ya baby Jesus ya big sissy! It's losing my consciousness, never having another thought that terrifies me. I'd even be satisfied with some sort of semi conscious dreamlike state.
It's the most horrible fate I can imagine, and there isn't anything I can do to avoid it. It's like all of my life is sitting in the principals office, waiting for the paddeling that I know is coming. I'm ashamed that the only way I know to not make myself ill over the dilemma is to not face it head on like I do with everything else, but to resign myself to defeat and just not think about it. To just bury my head in the sand and tell myself to just make sure I make the most of the time I have.
Don't misunderstand me when I say that I'm afraid of death. It's not that I'm afraid of dying tomorrow. Granted I'd prefer to put it off as long as possible, but it's gonna get me any way so it's not a huge deal when. Whether I die in 5 days or 50 years, it doesn't matter once I'm dead. Even if I knew I was going to live more than a 1000 years, I'd be just as worried about death because it would still be coming for me. What's a 1000 years in the big picture of all of time? Not even a nanosecond!
I'm fascinated by astronomy, but it always makes me depressed because it emphasizes how insignificant I am and how finite my existence is. Anyone know anything about astronomy? Are there any theories out there about multiple big bangs? People always talk about THE big bang. I assume it's a cycle. The universe compresses down on itself until it explodes, expands, slows, starts compressing down on itself, eventually explodes again, over and over. (like gasses in an engine cylinder) In all of infinity, I also assume that there are other big bangs going on all the time, a billion every second, just way too far off for us to ever detect them.
I think if I knew when it was going to happen, I'd actually feel a lot better. I could prepare for it and wouldn't have to stress over the unknown of constantly wondering when it was going to happen. I wouldn't feel like I was perpetually waiting outside the principle's office.
If you actually bothered to read all that, you're almost as messed up as I am. I think about this on almost a daily basis and needed to get it off my chest.
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You sit on the edge of the bed an pull those laces tight. You stand up and sling that Kevlar over your head and tighten up the Velcro straps so they fit just right. You swing the shirt around and zip it up. Your badge and nametag are in the right place and you buckle up your belt so the gig-line is even. You swing the Ranger belt around and buckle it. You move your gear around so you can place the back keepers in first. You shift around your cuff cases so they feel right.
You shift the shitty Asp in its shitty holster you got from GT Distributors and you finish of with the last of the keepers. You check your pistol to make sure there's still a round in the chamber and you place it into the Safariland SSIII holster. You grab your radio from the charger and go 10-8/41.
The whole time youre telliling yourself "If I'm shot I will not die. If I'm cut I will not die. I will fight back and make sure my partner and I go home safely."
You put that Unit in drive and go make the world a safer place as long as you're on the road. At that point you're not BadCop, You're just another good cop that gets thrust into bad situations.
Thats it.
That's what I did.
P.S. Don't forget to kiss the dog(s) goodbye.
[Edited on Mar 10, 2005 12:50AM]