fishnets_lipstix

i'm trying to make peace with myself but so far it's not working. a part of me keeps wanting to rebel. the side of me that knows no rules. no patience or of others feelings. maybe it's time that i be that person once more. it's been so long and all i can think of is regret for thinking of anyone but myself.

i have taken the blame for the one who has used me. so that only he may have his friendship back with someone who is annoyed by the very presence of him. why do i do this? becuase they have been friends before i enetered their little clique. i could give a rat's ass as to who think's of me as their friend now. they give two pennies as to weither i'm there or not. so why should i give two shits of them? because i have been consumed by the satisfaction of fixing something. it didn't matter as to what was being fixed or how i would fix it just as long as it's fixed.

does this make me an idiot? willing to do something for someone that i barely know so that person can have a better day then i will be able to? i want to be selfish. i want to scream and through the biggest temper tantrum right now because i now feel like i have wronged myself. i have lost my back bone and the only thing i keep thinking about is how did i become like this? did i just stop being so angry one day? did i forget everything that has happened and turn into this muffin carrying bitch.. . i want to learn to hate again.

it's weird isn't it? you can never be satisfied with being nice or mean. nothing will be good enough. so what's the soultion to this void? i'm really not trying to search for an answer. i guess just merely venting. i know i will come across this one and laugh about it... . maybe a month from now. hopefully.