I got whacked in the head by a major bout of insecurity last night... like seriously. it hurt and it sucked and I don't wanna do that anymore. But i'm still battling with it, and am trying to figure out why on earth I feel so poorly about myself. Is it that I fear that I am, or I fear that I'm not? If I am really as terrible as i'm percieving myself then I'm just a massive loser. (which I can deal with - mostly)
If I'm not everything I'm thinking, then I'm really doing myself a massive disservice and i've got to get out of this mess and change some stuff pronto.
Also, another thing, is that I'm really trying to get established, and create stablity- financially, emotionally, physically (meaning not move all over the place just because i'm bored or I get my feelings hurt. I feel like I've just now found a place where I can do that and be comfortable.) Part of the insecurity comes from the fear that I will never have a home or the concept of family and that moving every few months will be my life. (I've moved ten times in the last two years. with no specific motivation to do otherwize.) I'm probally one of the loneliest people you'll ever meet as all of the moving around doesn't lend itself to long term relationships of any sort.
I'm also battling with the fact that I'm once again turning away from fromal education. I've decided that I do not want to go to school in northcarollina in january. (mostly because I feel that I just got alittle bit of footing here - but also because studying biology and literature in the practical sence isn't practical. at all. yet, I'm wondering if thats the wisest choice... i'm looking into massage schools, which I'm alot more interested in, but they have their own bag of worms to overcome.
and money is also tight. I can't do what I want to do because I've neither the energy or the funding... i'm so frustrated and upset about that right now I just wanna cry. I'm also trying to save but everything keeps breaking which eats up all of the extra if there is any...
So, yea.
I'm a mess today.
(and I havnt even had my coffee yet)
This however, I have found, and it's made me cry...
(I'm so emo right now...) I think it's the song that's getting me.
If I'm not everything I'm thinking, then I'm really doing myself a massive disservice and i've got to get out of this mess and change some stuff pronto.
Also, another thing, is that I'm really trying to get established, and create stablity- financially, emotionally, physically (meaning not move all over the place just because i'm bored or I get my feelings hurt. I feel like I've just now found a place where I can do that and be comfortable.) Part of the insecurity comes from the fear that I will never have a home or the concept of family and that moving every few months will be my life. (I've moved ten times in the last two years. with no specific motivation to do otherwize.) I'm probally one of the loneliest people you'll ever meet as all of the moving around doesn't lend itself to long term relationships of any sort.
I'm also battling with the fact that I'm once again turning away from fromal education. I've decided that I do not want to go to school in northcarollina in january. (mostly because I feel that I just got alittle bit of footing here - but also because studying biology and literature in the practical sence isn't practical. at all. yet, I'm wondering if thats the wisest choice... i'm looking into massage schools, which I'm alot more interested in, but they have their own bag of worms to overcome.
and money is also tight. I can't do what I want to do because I've neither the energy or the funding... i'm so frustrated and upset about that right now I just wanna cry. I'm also trying to save but everything keeps breaking which eats up all of the extra if there is any...
So, yea.
I'm a mess today.
(and I havnt even had my coffee yet)
This however, I have found, and it's made me cry...
(I'm so emo right now...) I think it's the song that's getting me.
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p.s. how the hell do you imbed a youtube video in your blog i have one i want to put in mine but i can't figure out how to do it.