fieldofdepth

Why is it that when she wants something I'm always right there? Sometimes I feel like a like a puppy, following her around in case she decides to pay attention to me. I anticipate her needs, make sure she is comfortable, do whatever pleases her.

Fuck that! I'm so tired of sitting here waiting for her to give something in return. Seriously, why do I start out a in a relationship thinking, "Yay! finally a girl who will give as much as she takes." Then it turns into, "Hellooooo, I'm here, remember me?"

I don't want to feel like this anymore. I wish I could depend on myself more. I have been making an effort to try to find what makes me happy. I know that sounds silly but I really don't know how to be me. I'm pretty good at being some ones lover, daughter, sister, friend. But how do I get better at being happy when I'm alone with myself?
Photography makes me happy. It makes me feel like I'm doing something worth while that I'm good at. School makes me happy too. I like discussing literature and history, I'm a fairly good writer, and even homework is enjoyable at times.

My mom called a couple days ago and asked me to go to Oklahoma with her to see my grama. In order to do that I would have to finish a week worth of work in a day. Not gonna happen. My girl got all bent when I was talking about going, saying she would miss me so much, wouldn't know what to do without me, etc. Today I told her that I decided not to go, and she hasn't said more than 10 words to me all day. Unless you count the twenty minutes I had to sit and listen to her boring work stories, as I do every day. So here I am on SG while she sits in the living room reading her newspaper. She said we would do each others hair tonight, but it doesn't look like that's gonna happen.

So I guess I've got some work to do. I need to stop trying to make everyone else happy and figure out what makes me happy. I've never really done anything on my own before. Maybe it's time.