I cried for hours.
Thankfully my ex was on hand to talk some sense into me.
I miss him so much. He's always kept me on the straight and narrow so to speak.
So my fall apart wasn't disastrous, but it could have been.
I get into these modes where I hate myself so severely.
I know I need counselling, in fact, this course i'm doing brings a lot of this stuff out. I can see my flaws, I can see where I am going wrong. But I am yet to do anything about it. In time, things will improve.
I just need guidance, but the two people who kept me in check are no longer around. One is a zillion miles away and one is no longer alive.
I feel at times like I am spinning out of control with no direction.
It probably doesn't help that I went down in my meds again, I'm nearly off them now. Fuck being on them, I need to face reality and deal with myself. Anti d's are good for a while, when you are at rock bottom and then some like I was 3 years ago, but eventually you need to piece your life together and get a move on.
I've used the death of my Mother and the break up of my relationship and an excuse for too long. It makes me cry just thinking about it. I'm 31 years old, I should be out there having the time of my life. Instead I'm so full of worry and anger and sadness that it pollutes everything. I can't move forward if I am always looking backward.
I need to get motivated and lose weight, get some self esteem back. I hate what I have become with a passion. I hate the way I have let my 'issues' rule my life. Yes I've probably played the victim, but it becomes comfortable. I'm too scared to put myself out there and do something. It is easier to shrink into myself and watch life pass me by.
Heck I wasn't even going to write about this, it's just all come out. Apologies for the brutality of it, but my mind is in a weird space.
