fenchurch

SOMEDAY MY LIFE WILL BE COMPLETE



SOMEDAY I WILL HAVE MY PHONE AND EAT IT TOO



SOMEDAY THIS PHONE WILL BE MINE




*********UPDATED TO ADD DIATRIBE*********

FUCK HANNAFORD'S

I am never stepping foot in that fucking store ever again. Price Chopper, forgive my transgressions, I beseech you, my loyalty shall never waver again. I've learned my lesson well.

First of all, everything is more expensive

But much more importantly, Hannaford's endorses BULLSHIT CEREAL POLICIES. I combed through the cereal aisle not once, not twice, but thrice, and I found no cereal offering the promise of a lightsaber spoon. I am livid. Not only that, but they had no Count Chocula. NO COUNT FUCKING CHOCULA. Instead, they had this new (and, for absolutely NO reason, more expensive) Chocolate Lucky Charms. What kind of BULLSHIT is that?!?!! Unbefuckinglievable! The marshmallows aren't even chocolate! It is a ridiculous ploy by that smug little leprachaun to lure customers away from the Count with a second-rate half-assed bullshit ripoff product.

And yet my shopping companion (who shall remain anonymous out of what little respect I still have for them) BOUGHT this...this blight on the face of cereal as we know it, despite my loud and obscenity-laden protests. It was a slap in the face to anyone who loves Count Chocula. I hope the Count comes to him in the night and transforms him into a cocoa-thirsty vampiric monnster, destined to forever wonder the earth in a state of dazed choco-desire, feasting forlornly upon whatever chocolatey delicious scraps he can find, yet always left feeling EMPTY INSIDE.

Now to top it all off, when I stomped crankily to the checkout, I noticed the cigarette case was unlocked. Meaning kids can just walk or crawl or toddle over and scoop tiny armfuls of packs into their diapers. Not only that, but the fucking Newports were at the bottom, where the kids are most likely to get at them. Now as we all know, Newports are the fucking John Wayne Gacy of cigarettes. They will as soon dress up as a clown and abduct you from your own birthday party, tie you up, and leave you in a basement to die slowly over a period of weeks as look at you. And here Hannaford's is, practically advertising them as Kid's Cigarette Pick of the Week!

Hannaford's wants you to believe they don't give cigarettes to kids. Hannaford's is lying.




AND THEY DIDN'T HAVE MY FUCKING SPOON
FUCK




*******SECOND UPDATE*******

I just opened a bottle of seltzer water and got it all over my legs and my bed.

A bottle of HANNAFORD BRAND SELTZER WATER.




I HATE YOU HANNAFORD'S