Alright, so yes, something happened and I got spooked. Well, not really spooked but really fucking angry. Honestly, I want to run and hide but in hopes and showing the person that means most that I'm better than that here I am. He's right about everything else and is right about this as well.
Today, was not a good day. Mr_C however, was amazing as always. (I'm beginning to think that it's utterly impossible for him to be anything else.) This past week I was in Mexico. Being away from work, away from friends and in a strange place really forced me to slow down. To think and to feel. I didn't like it, by Tuesday I just wanted to come home. I knew it would happen, I know I'm a complete and utter mess right now. I've been trying to take everything that has happened within the last year, push it aside and move on but it's quite obvious that what I actually need to do is to deal with it.
It's not that I haven't been trying, but....I'm weak. (That's not something that I admit to easily.) My heart is broken, I'm filled with hatred and anger. I'm tired, exhausted really, of fighting for the wrong things, giving myself whole heartedly to others and trying to understand why things happened the way that they did. Trying to wrap my mind around my current situation. Trying to understand what I need to get better.
So today I've made decisions. I made them in the middle of the day but I only understood the urgency of them when someone walked out on me tonight. I need to pull myself together. And some have already been put into action.
* I cut someone out of my life. It needed to happen. We both know it.
* Tomorrow I start a cleanse diet **note to self get out of bed and buy apples and bottled water tomorrow....oh, and hair dye
* I need to make time to go to the gym, I need to start running again - it's been far too long and I suck at it now but I want to drop all the weight I original gained to have my website. I'm not comfy in my body anymore and that has to stop.
* I need to take time outs. I spend the majority of my life running around trying to make time for everyone else and keep everyone happy. I need to stop and just "be" again. Sort myself out and learn to be ok alone again. Which may seem strange because I've been alone for what seems like forever.
* I need to get back to doing the things that make ME happy even if it means doing them alone. I need to see art, I need to go to shows, I need to read more, to visit new comic shops, and do the stupid little things I love that I've been neglecting.
Above all else I NEED TO PAINT. It's where I belong I have no idea why I ever fucking stop. It's the one thing that calms me. It's who I am.
Ok...this is long. On a side note though, I'm talking to Fluxy who is one of my good friends and we are trading awesome boy stories. I'm telling her all about Mr_C and the great man he is. She just said the following and I almost fell off the side of my bed.
"what the heck dude, you get the beefcake professors and i get the scruffy hoodlums"
Pictures from Mexico soon I promise!!
Alright it's 11:30 and I haven't even started my fucking funnel report that I have a meeting with my boss about yesterday. Ugh!!!! I think I should work downstairs and watch catch up on Project Runway.
Today, was not a good day. Mr_C however, was amazing as always. (I'm beginning to think that it's utterly impossible for him to be anything else.) This past week I was in Mexico. Being away from work, away from friends and in a strange place really forced me to slow down. To think and to feel. I didn't like it, by Tuesday I just wanted to come home. I knew it would happen, I know I'm a complete and utter mess right now. I've been trying to take everything that has happened within the last year, push it aside and move on but it's quite obvious that what I actually need to do is to deal with it.
It's not that I haven't been trying, but....I'm weak. (That's not something that I admit to easily.) My heart is broken, I'm filled with hatred and anger. I'm tired, exhausted really, of fighting for the wrong things, giving myself whole heartedly to others and trying to understand why things happened the way that they did. Trying to wrap my mind around my current situation. Trying to understand what I need to get better.
So today I've made decisions. I made them in the middle of the day but I only understood the urgency of them when someone walked out on me tonight. I need to pull myself together. And some have already been put into action.
* I cut someone out of my life. It needed to happen. We both know it.
* Tomorrow I start a cleanse diet **note to self get out of bed and buy apples and bottled water tomorrow....oh, and hair dye
* I need to make time to go to the gym, I need to start running again - it's been far too long and I suck at it now but I want to drop all the weight I original gained to have my website. I'm not comfy in my body anymore and that has to stop.
* I need to take time outs. I spend the majority of my life running around trying to make time for everyone else and keep everyone happy. I need to stop and just "be" again. Sort myself out and learn to be ok alone again. Which may seem strange because I've been alone for what seems like forever.
* I need to get back to doing the things that make ME happy even if it means doing them alone. I need to see art, I need to go to shows, I need to read more, to visit new comic shops, and do the stupid little things I love that I've been neglecting.
Above all else I NEED TO PAINT. It's where I belong I have no idea why I ever fucking stop. It's the one thing that calms me. It's who I am.
Ok...this is long. On a side note though, I'm talking to Fluxy who is one of my good friends and we are trading awesome boy stories. I'm telling her all about Mr_C and the great man he is. She just said the following and I almost fell off the side of my bed.
"what the heck dude, you get the beefcake professors and i get the scruffy hoodlums"
Pictures from Mexico soon I promise!!
Alright it's 11:30 and I haven't even started my fucking funnel report that I have a meeting with my boss about yesterday. Ugh!!!! I think I should work downstairs and watch catch up on Project Runway.
OH OH OH!!!!!
ANDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD I got to asked to model for the Adipositivity Project! Which I'm VERY VERY VERY excited about. I've known about the project for awhile and always had a great respect for the photographer. She somehow knows who the hell I am and wants to shoot my thigh tattoos. We're working on plans to shoot at the end of the month.
If you don't know what I'm talking about - you should. Follow the link.
Adipositivity
VIEW 11 of 11 COMMENTS
jaxy:
Thanks honey. Same to you. :kiss
captainreynolds:
Oh no. I'll just keep his ass nice and tender for you. Someone needs to keep that kid in line.